JUNE 20 HE WEEKEND

SINCE LAS POSING M COMPUER GO WE AND HAS FRIED ALO OF FUNCIONS. I HAVE O COME UP WIH ABOU $800 BUCKS SO I CAN BU A NEW ONE. OF COURSE HA MEANS HAVING O PU HE LAWER ON HOLD WHO IS GOING O HANDLE M DIVORCE. M OWN DAMNED FAUL BU GEEZE HIS PISSES ME OFF. ALMOS AS IF HE UNIVERSE IS JUS NO LEING ME GO HRU WIH WHA I DESPARAEL WAN O GE DONE. I CAN HINK OF ANOHER REASON.


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Thurs.June 18/15 I screwed up AGAIN and have lost my Lover

Well here it goes once again. I have caused the breakdown of what could have been a beautiful thing. I ask myself WHY and quite frankly I do know why but I just keep on doing it over and over. I rushed into my love for another Woman and because of my incessant need to fold her into what I want her to be and to feel for me I permanently severed what chance I had with her. I am sad, very sad. I am hurting once again because of these actions. I say I am better and am ready but I know I am not because I keep doing the same things and expecting different results. I experience more with this woman than I ever thought possible. I made love with this person and wanted more of this. I focused to hard and to headstrong into demanding more of this with her. The end result I pushed her away from me. We have talked briefly this morning and both agree that we want to continue to build a good friendship with each other but I know in due time this will eventually fade into the past as well. I have made promises to her to keep her in my life. I have done this so many times in the past to friends I wanted to be closer with but eventually they go South on me and I lose these wonderful people from my life eventually. This friendship may be different but will it really be. I do not know and it will only be over time that I will see. She has opened up a beautiful part in me that I thought would never wake. She was such a gentle caring lover and I so wanted so much more. But alas I lost this and her by my emotions and actions!!! I am still so lost in my thoughts regarding my Reike and Pranic Healing experiences of last weekend. I am of the impression that whatever it was that happened to me that day is significantly caused my actions to bring about all this shit. Do not know how or why but I feel deeply that it has. I have to try and get in touch with both women who worked on me to see if I can find some answers from them Maybe or maybe not they can enlighten me a little, All I know is that I have to try. I did tell my friend that I still wish to treat her to dinner some time but I will not be able to do that until I same up some money. She said she would like to honour this request from me. This will not come to pass until some time next month as she is very busy and heading to Toronto Pride then holidays starting this Thursday. I also confirmed that we will check out this new spiritual group we both are interested in attending. I think I will have to do it alone thought getting my Tattoo is so desperately want to get over my heart via her good friend and Tattoo Artist. That is scary for sure as she was going to help with this but can not commit to my request, I AM doing this as it is extremely important to me that I do. Again I will have to same up the money before this can happen. So it is still very early in the morning for me right now. I do wonder what things will cross my path today but no matter what comes my way I want and will deal with it. finally broke down in a great big heap of sobs while trying to tell one of the Staff that was conducting a survey of new residents to help them identify areas needing improvement or change. I told what was happening with me and couldn't get through it. She had to leave because after all she does have a job to do. After she left or rather shut the door, I let the tear flow and the sobs come an go. They are in check right now but I know I could be be right back there at the drop of a pin. Too much time on my hands this evening. Nothing going on and don't feel like going out on my scooter. So here I am sitting alone in my Apartment, feeling sad and rejected. Angry with myself to causing this grief I'm feeling and very frustrated knowing that I will never again experience the joy and rush of making love to this woman. I say life right now is a FUCKING DISAPOINTME, I do have gratitude this evening for my lady I`ve lost I am grateful that she was very open and honest with me even thought she was making it clear that she did not want what I wanted. I grateful to my daughters for understanding as best the can with my issues, I am grateful to a few close friends in Owen Sound has listened to my teary eyed talks with them as I`m sure they too are getting a little tired of their crazy emotional friend which of course I`m referring to me I`m holding onto my faith that tomorrow just might be a better day which I sure want it to be. Namaste one and all how may read my Journaling

Monday June 15/15 Incredible experiences yesterday

My life has been both enlightened and rotten since last Sunday. I was extremely affected by both my introductions to Pranic Healing & Reike Sunday afternoon. Things happened to me Spiritually, Physically and emotionally that not only freaked me out but has lingering affects that have scared me. I will want to record it all in this Journal because I don`t want to forget any of what has and is happening to me. I experienced some Pranic Healing and Reike Sunday afternoon. Also had long conversation with a couple of woman from the Ottawa Spiritual Pathways Centre which Sue and I want to want to check into in a few weeks time. I want to tell you about what happened to me during these 2 sessions, Very incredible experiences physically, spiritually and emotionally. Very awesome and intense !!! I had a very intense night of emotional turmoil and got only a couple hours sleep. No real closeness to Deb either which was not at all what I was expecting to have happen. Everything was all tied into those two sessions. I was very open to what these woman were doing. During these experiences I cried, I lost control of my body movements, My feet lifted off the floor and something was not letting me put them down among many other things. I felt things being drawn out of my body, huge emotional and spiritual blockages hiding deep within. I wasn`t able to breath. I felt everything that was happening to me but I can`t put it into words. It truly felt like I was having an out of body experience. Both healers said that had seem many differing reactions from clients but never as intensely as I had shown them. I had a purple aura surrounding me she said and a white dove upon my shoulder among many other things throughout this. I could feel the releasing of something throughout both sessions and It was like I was in a trance. Another person had to keep her hands on my Shoulders to ensure I wouldn`t fall backward or out of the chair I was sitting on. I was not conscious of my surrounding and many people talking and milling about all around me. It took them both time to bring me back. My Reike lady has worked MS patients & had seen tremendous improvements after many sessions. I know I have found something that will help me tremendously but I know I will never ever be able to afford this incredible treatment. This makes me very sad indeed. She also could see much anger and frustration deep within that was blocking me from moving forward. I really thought I had dealt with all this but this is not the case. There was so much more that happened that I wish I had recorded as soon as I got home but I didn't and I have deeply regretted that. What did happen when Sue and I finally got back to my place was an incredible overwhelming exhaustion for both of us. Sue also had her own experiences that afternoon. While we were watching Orange is the New black I became extremely restless. So much so I could not concentrate on anything happening around me. I was sensitive to Debs every comments and touch or more importantly Lack of Touching. I so wanted to take her to bed and lose myself in her that I was actually in some kind of pain knowing that that wasn't going to happen. I could not stop pacing around or going outside to smoke many many cigarettes. when I did settle a bit we went to bed, we briefly kissed and said goodnight. I could not stop crying and shaking. Several times she asked me if I wanted her to go home, I didn't, I wanted to be hugged and feel wanted. Finally I got up and left her to sleep and so began a night of sleeplessness and going deep within my head. Same thing was still happening when she lft for work, I left for yet another fucking hospital and specialist. We talked late last evening and it just kept getting worse. I had not eaten anything since lunch. My Cell phone died, My Sugars crashed dangerously love which I ignored checking. We tald, I bcame demanding and tried to control her into saying and doing what I wanted. NOPE not good of me to do this. Not GOOD of me freaking out on her. Just Goddamned fucking dangerous stuff to do to her. Once again I headed off to bed with my mind in total disarray. We have exchanged chatting in the mornings so Sent her a brief msg wishing her a happy day and not asking her when could we might speak to each other today. I must not go there and wait and see if she responds. I believe that I have once again sabotaged any chance I may have had to develop a deepening relationship and not lose that but lose a wonderful friendship with this woman. That is what has happned many times before, It has always been me and my actions severing potentially great things in my life. If this proves to be case here I have no one to blame but myself and will try very hard to live through the great disappointment that is sure to be and not sink into an uncontrollable and dangerous depression. Again Old behaviors!!!! Will losing this wonderful woman from life be hard YES it will. Will her deciding to walk away from me happen from this NO I have to leave the confines of my Apartment and my head today so am once again heading out on my Scooter in an attempt to distract my mind from spinning and spiraling and wigging out. Many people I am grateful for and to whom I need to somehow let them know today!!

June 13/15 A beartiful start to the Weedend with my Girl

I am gushing and gushing this morning. She arrived shortly after 8 last evening and left around 9:30 this morning. She first needed to just sit and relax herself after a very busy day of work. So we just snuggled and kissed and sat quietly together for a while. She was chilled so I just kept rubbing her back and arms and got her a steaming cup of tea. After a while she needed a shower to wake herself up. I wanted her (and I) to just call it a night and let her fall asleep in my arms. Not her, the shower gave her a second wind so we watched the first show of The Colour Orange is Black. A show we have both watched since the first episode 3 years ago. It was good as usual. Then we really started kissing and getting very amorous with one another. I got a candle, kicked Rocky outside for the night (she is highly Allergic) and headed off to my bed. Well it was a most wonderful time as expected it would be. However, it was very different as well. I had decided that I would and wanted to take the lead and be the aggressor. She did so much for me last weekend and just let me evolve at my own pace and time. This time however I had a very specific plan in mind. I had decided it was the time for me to face my most difficult fears. It was time and because I now completely trust her implicitly I not only needed to do this I really needed to do it for both of us to be able to face these fears of mind together. I placed her on her back and began kissing her with purpose and direction down her luscious body without hesitation. I kissed her ever so gently on the Apex of her body. Then vigorously I began a slow methodical exploration the was all consuming of her sweetness. I needed no direction or help with this as I thought I would. I just knew without knowing what I was doing was oh so sweet and nice. Although I could not see her face I could hear and feel her pleasure with what I was doing. That certainly pushed us both to greater heights of desires and need. I thought last week was incredible together and it was but last night was the icing on the cake. I took her to a place that she had really only dreamed of going herself before. It has brought us closer than we ever thought possible in so many wonderful and exciting ways. Today I am quiet and lost in so many wonderful thoughts. I told her that I just want to ravish her when next we have some time alone together. Hopefully we can figure that out today or tomorrow We both are absolutely amazed at what we have discovered. It was so cute this morning before she left. We talked and talked and were ;ole magnets to each others mouths. We kissed every time we got within a few feet of each other. She brought her tools of her trade with her and trim my hair for me. She was fast, she was thorough and she was good. I love what she did and then she had to leave to go see some clients who a great friends of hers. Tomorrow I get to meet one of her many life long friends as we are going to a kind of fortune teller event down in the Glebe. I love that part of town. So that will be very interesting for sure. I have never wanted to experience that kind of think before but with my girl by my side I am game to go. I know I should be so explicit in the blog but hell it is my life and my Journal and I do not ever want to forget these incredible experiences with this most beautiful and caring woman. NEVER!!!!!

June 12/15 Love is a splendid thing - So very Amaszing

Wow I've been struggling with old deamons this past week. I know I love my girl but all my past habits and fears are trying to fight me and take over my actions. I have become insecure in trusting what Deb says and doesn't say. The constant reasurances my Ego demands of me are rough to fight off. But I am using every tool I have learned to keep centred and not let my emotions plow me down. Many times I have wanted to confront her and demand answers this week. I know she is not yet ready to reveal to me her thoughts smf and feeliings because she does not yet know that they truly are. She won't say she loves me just because I say I love her. She wants to tell me this once she truly knows herself first. But after last nights talk and her confirming that she is coming to spend the night with me here I have let some of these behaviours I dread fade away somewhat. Our talking was short as she was exhausted and she needed to relax and prepare for getting to bed. It was a wonderful conversation leaving both of us so wanting to come together and hug and sniggle and of course Kiss and just be with each other. I can not wait to see her and take her into my arms and just hold her tight and close. I know she is feeling the same for me. My love grows every day for this woman. My Soul is soothed when I am with her. We are going to plan a few things we would like to do together in and around the City beginning of Course casually sauntering downtown through the Market. The place we were originally going the meet one an another but I just couldn't do it. So much to look forward to. AM IN LOVE AND IT'S A WONDERFUL FEELING AND I LIKE THIS ALOT AND THEN SOME.

June 8/15 Incredible weekend

I think, no I KNOW I had the best weekend in many years and it all is because of my New Girlfriend. We planned for her to come to my place after her work was done then stay the night with me here. All was going according to our plans when suddenly her younger daughter called very upset and crying. Her stepmom passed away. We both understand that our kids, hers or mine, will always come first and foremost. We agreed she should leave right away. However, we had been getting very intimate and knew that it would lead much more but she had to leave. So that ended our night together. Saturday however went great for me. She picked me up after finishing work and we headed to her place for the rest of the weekend and OMG what a weekend it was. We make such wild and passionate love and she was so gently with me knowing of all my past issues. Well I was so relaxed and ready for everything that was to come. She took me to such hights like no one has ever taken me. It was miraculous and completely awe inspiring and I wanted her in that very intimate situation ever so much more and more we did and often. This weekend with her completely eradicated ALL my fears I've carried for way too long. She wanted me as much as I her. It was wonderful, exciting, totally awesome and has left me with such a desire to be with her in every which way possible. By Monday afternoon when she brought me home I was near collapse from exhaustion. She had to hold me up to get me inside. I slept pretty much that afternoon and most of yesterday and am still trying to catch up today but all worth it to me. I did tell her this would happen to me so not to worry about me. She leads a very hectic and busy life, especially the last couple of weeks. But it should get less hectic next week. I hope to get to see her after work on Friday night. I sure hope so and have asked her to spend the night with me here. She will be able to let me know if she can. I so hope she can. I am so falling for this women and I like that. Other stuff happened during the last week but pales in comparison this and quit frankly I really care to much to record that stuff anyways. Love is pretty much all that I care about right now and all the feeling coursing through my every cell Dumb struck I am

Wednesday June 3/15 - Fabulous Things have happened

I HAVE MET A WONDERFUL AND INCREDIBLE WOMAN. WE ARE STARTING TO DATE AND OMG I THINK I'm DONE FOR. I'm falling in love. I am experiencing feelings that I've only ever read about. I am feeling every sensation throughout my body and mind from this woman and we've talked for hours and hours on the phone. I am ready for this relationship to grow nto a beautiful thing. and she feels the same. We actually met face to face last Sunday afternoon for a first interaction face to face! That lasted more than 5hrs. No shyness, no awkwardness, no lapses in conversation. We both were so amazed while experiencing this meet up of how relaxed and fun this was going.a For the first time in my life I was drawn to be very honest to this woman. I never once thought otherwise. Her personality and openness just drew me further and further into wanting to share this experience with Her. She is beautiful and has a bright gorgeous smile that is very infectious and moving. Here eyes twinkle when she laughs or tells a good tale. We discovered that we share the same interests. I was so comfortable with her that I even shared my lack of experiences and had only one interaction with a woman that hurt me badly and stole from me many years ago. To be fair, I did not know the first thing about how to love nor make love to this woman. And I certainly did not know how to act around her either. I allowed myself to act like a camillion who changes it's colour (personality in my case) to fit in with the surroundings and the people. Needless to say I have been scared of what I would be like if I ever met met another woman I liked who doesn't know the true me. I instantly wanted wanted Debbie to see me for me and not me behaving like someone else a kind of like an imposter.I am doing all that for her and me to know each other. Today, I know myself and my wants in a partner relationship. I know myself and my body well and how it works in an intimate sexual situation, at least I think I do. I am not afraid and now ask for what I want and how I want things to be in my life. I know now that the Universe kept me from finding this love for so long until I truly became ready to handle it. I so know I am now ready and wanting this relationship to grow and Blossom into a beautiful love affair. She is also ready. She has had long lasting committed relationships, some good but one that went very badly and ended with police involvement and a restraining order to ensure both Deb and her girls would be safe. That relationship ended a few years ago very abruptly and dangerously. She had dated since then but wasn't finding the person she she was looking for. Poof I burst into her life and both quickly realized there is something much deeper at play here for both of us We've been FB and having deep conversations by phone for hours each morning and evening. Tonight, Thursday she will drive accoss the whole City to see me after her work is finished for the day. She had asked to come visit a few days ago because she couldn't wait until Sunday for a big date I had asked her out on. I was beyond WOW's by this. I have never had anyone ever ask to see me. This has showed that she will say the honest truth but more importantly that she is feeling the same as me. She has shown me that she very much into me as I am to her . It is a given that we will kiss for the first time this evening. We both want this to happen at this point. We have discussed if/when the time comes to actually be sexual and move things to the next natural level. She is a very sexual being and is very free and oh so comfortable talking about this with me and taking the time to answer my never ending questions. She knows I'm nervous and scared and doesn't want to rush me. But, oh boy, I sure am willing and want to go there sooner rather than later. I hope it will come about soon but I want to get to know her outer body by first with wonderful use of all my senses. oh I've been having all this anticipatory feelings to just touch her skin touch her face and stare deeply into her beautiful eyes to reach deep into her soul I AM FALLING IN LOVE !!!! and I want to remember everything - the touch of her skin, her breath, he reactions to my touch. Feeling her touch upon my skin, my face eventually my all, her all and feeling the love grow into a beautiful thing for both of us. I hope and pray the Universe is guiding me to discover a whole new existence with this woman.