I'm spiraling down here and trying so hard to use my tools but it's getting harder and harder. I'm missing people, I'm sorely missing interactions, I 'm sorely missing just doing something, anything. I keep hearing of others wonderful lives and not being a part of any of them. I really am afraid. I'm blowing off some negative steam here but It's where I am right now, for days now, and nothing is working for me although I keep trying. There's something wrong with Rocky again and that is scaring me to. Fuck! Where are these feelings taking me? I just don't know. God only knows where this is/will take me because I don't friggin know and that is scaring me more than anything. I'm sorry Kris I know you are not wanting or should be the one who needs this kind of msg but I need to get this out of me and know that somebody other than my Journal knows what's going on in my befuddled mind. You will be busy celebrating your life with where it's been going,- with family, with new friends, with new and wonderful experiences just like my daughter Kelsey and other kids and I feel so isolated and stagnant in my own life. In aganizing limbo that is so far out of my control. It's scary and so damned upsetting. My mind knows what I want but my circumstances in achieving this is so far out of my control that I'm having difficulty in the lousy waiting game I'm forced to endure. I'm sorry to intrude. I guess we won't be able to chat for the next week or more and that's OK. I am just feeling so lonely and isolated. I know you have so much to be thankful for and have an exciting weekend ahead followed by a wonderful week with Jack and Gracie. I know you will be so filled with love with all that is around you. Have a great wonderful time, I know you will. Take care and take it all in deep within you heart and soul.
Kelsey just went to see a possible apartment for sort of near where I would like to live. As she said there are both pro's and con's to what she saw and she really thinks it's not good for me. So that possibility is gone. After hanging up the phone I started to cry because I know there will be the same situation with any apartment she looks at. I'm going to spend my time over the next few days looking into retirement homes again for at least a month or 2 so I can go home and start searching myself. This way is NOT working and I believe won't work and will continue to keep me in this dark place in my head. Today I'm grieving hard. It's not a fun place to be. Shit what is going to happen with this crippled person called Deana. Deana is panicking and I know too well what happens if I don't get myself under control and soon. I just don't know.....
Kelsey just went to see a possible apartment for sort of near where I would like to live. As she said there are both pro's and con's to what she saw and she really thinks it's not good for me. So that possibility is gone. After hanging up the phone I started to cry because I know there will be the same situation with any apartment she looks at. I'm going to spend my time over the next few days looking into retirement homes again for at least a month or 2 so I can go home and start searching myself. This way is NOT working and I believe won't work and will continue to keep me in this dark place in my head. Today I'm grieving hard. It's not a fun place to be. Shit what is going to happen with this crippled person called Deana. Deana is panicking and I know too well what happens if I don't get myself under control and soon. I just don't know.....
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