Having some old behaviour type thoughts...

I caught a random thought passing throughmy consciousness this morming. It kinda took me by surprise. I was having a very nice liesurely time this nice Sunday morning. It's verry sunny out and warmish. I'm planning to take my scooter out for a 'spin' to feel the sun and fresh air on my skin and in my lungs. Maybe pick up some groceries...Anyways this thought  went something like this: Once I exorcisized all the crap I've carried within me for all these many years. What's going to happen. Does my life, my existence, my 'being' move on in dreamy bliss? Everything finally becomes and stays 'perfect'. I know thats not true, not realistic, but I've carried so much for so long I guess I'm kinda wondering what this might mean . I can't answer this...Intellectually I know that this is crazy old behaviour really and by working on this stuff these new and greatly improved behaviors will stay with me but may many past years of immature acting out and extreme anger outbursts right now is scaring me a little. These were kinda comfortable (unknowingly so) parts of my being. They must have been otherwise why did I fight change or refuse to allow myself to truely see just how messed up I really was. Why did I live in the two opposing worlds that I lived in. Why did I last so long doing it. Why did my getting sick or allowing myself to competely break into a million jagged pieces. Deana you were a relatively intelligent, competetant, nice person. I was well respected in both my work and personal life. I had friends and knew many. Why did I let my life break apart so deeply. Why was I unable to see what was happening to me. Was it because something within my lifes experiences that kept me from growing and accepting responsibilities. Was it because I was so fearful of life being lived on ones own terms, own independence, own self esteem, own beliefs. This passing little thought of this morning has grown into something somewhat bigger and scarier. I think I should put this down for to now and back off. I promise myself that I will not these thoughts drift away from me. I know I need to really understand where this is coming from. I promice myself that I will come back and work through this stuff. I just need some time to think it through.  Other than this, I had a really great day, great weekend actually. I enjoyed myself with myself by myself....Keep it up Deana. You're reaching deeper and deeper into yourself and you are deffinitely benefitting from all of this....