I need some company, I need to talk to myself

I need to verbalize sometbing. If anyone should read this which I believe there really isn't please do not judge me. I don't know what its going to be like when my mother or my father passes from this life. I know for my Dad it could be anytime really. His body is tired and is slowly giving out. My mom is quite healthy for 80. My mom can reduce me at 53yrs to an angry pissed off teenager in seconds flat. I yelled at her last night and was somewhat mean. The details are really not important It's more that I get so tired of being told everytime I try to arrange a visit with friends or family. Either I say or do something wrong. It never changes. I can't get my mom to understand how upset this makes me. I hung up the phone after angrily blasting her and it's been playing on my conscience all day. I am not phoning her today as I'm sure she's not going to phone me. Am I fine with this. Part of me says yes but another part says grow up deana. Swallow your pride. Be the good daugher and apologise. Right now I just don't want too.  Does this feeling of 'less than' leave one. Does it change when your parents pass on. Do you finally really feel you are a mature and respected adult. This I do
not know. I spent so many years being taken care of by them and had to deal with many many feelings often of which were anger towards them. Very hard on my phsyc almost daily anger missed with graditude for what they had to sacrifice for me. A very very difficult, sad state of affairs.

This is really just venting. Not much else. No one around to talk it out. No one to call to talk it out. Afraid if I try to  call mom I could lose my temper again. I donèt want to risk that.....Just wait it out deana and see what happens......