- difficult but interesting dream that woke me up this morning. I think it might be part of the oppressive feelings I'm having this morning. I wish I had a way to record this dream before it fades away from my memory but I don't and maybe I might be able to put it in words that I will be able to make sense sometime later today but maybe not either. I don't know at this point other than to say I'm bothered by it but also realize that there were plenty of messages of past feelings of loneliness, self doubt and isolation from the others while at the same time outwardly trying to show confidence and abilities that I knew I didn't feel. Kind of like the fight between my inner self to my outer self that I always tried to present to those around me.
- was with a group of 3 others trying to answer a problem given us to solve and present it's conclusions to some unknown body of people
- one, male very intelligent highly educated & respected person, can't remember just what he is bu I think someone in the field of either doctor or phd person
- one woman also well known and respected
- one man but can't remember who he represented
- me , uneducated but trying to show intelligence that I felt I did not possess
Slowly relizing that I was this phony and slowly trying to fade into the surroundings and wanting to get away and hide from my responsibilities to this group and letting them find the correct solutions to record and eventually present these findings
very weird and confusing to me when I did wake up to face this day, alone with these thoughts and feeling like there's a heavy weight that is upon me......
This day so far has me still under it's oppressive grip. Although it has not yet rained I feel it coming when sitting outside having a ciggie. I've decided not to buy any more cigaretes when I run out and put myself back on the patch. Should be tomorrow or the next day. I'm ready to do this and hope my mood shifts towards a more positive way before I run out of them. I need to start saving my money if I want to take this trip in the spring should it come to a reality for me. I hope it does as I so want to look forward to something big and wonderful as this trip could be.
It's after 4pm and I'm still weirdly at a loss as to what's happening with me. I was feeling like a little self gratification would help me and really started to feel some body excitement but couldn't bring me to to and over the edge and I so wanted to. My body so wanted to. I was left with feelings of failure again with this and that is bringing me down even more. Shit, how am I going to resolve this masturbation issue. This failure of something so basic and apparently so easy for others but not me. I'm frustrated and unsatisfied. I keep trying hoping for better results but those results keep eluding me and are bringing more tears than satisfaction. I just don't fucking know what to do. I want to keep trying but at the same time I don't want to keep doing this to myself. I just don't know
I'm hoping Kris will be able to chat with me this evening as she said she will after her dinner around 8 or so. She is the only one that understands me and helps me try to figure these things out. I sent her a quote I came across this morning that states exactly how I feel about our friendship. I'll hold on to this hope of talking, maybe even by phone. I'll just have to wait and see how it goes seeing fun and interesting images .
The only nice thing to happen is that I no longer see Penises within the fluffy clouds. I enjoyed and interesting images that I observed yesterday and would have today if it wasn't so damned cloudy and grey today,,,,, Always looking for the brighter side of life when I can .... Ha ha
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