Up and out the door by 9:20 and the race was on. I got to the hospital and had to register and take a ruddy urin sample to the lab since I was totally unable to do it yesterday when I was there getting blood tests done. Once I got out of there headed up to get to my Therapy group on time and just made it. I finally spoke up at the beginning requesting some time to speak. I was so agitated I could not do the meditation and was very jumpy throughout. After the hour break I got my chance. I was wanting to run, I was very insecure and self-conscious, I was really really struggling. The realization was the hard work wasn't just doing the assignments but it's sorting thru all that this course is bringing to the forefront and trying to apply what we're leaning. It is not easy. I'm aftraid to speak up because I'm concentrating so hard on attentive, quiet, showing concern and empathy and eye contact. I am not able to do that and take notes or formulate questions or to provide any input into what's being discussed. I am having extreme difficulty with keeping a train of thought in my head while waiting for or during trying to express something. I'm embarrased, I'm affraid of trying to take control of whatever is being discussed. A lot of old behaviours that I'm wanting and trying to change. After do that there was good feedback from everyone. I also explained that it was last pre-christmas that I had sunk into an extremely dangerous place in my mind and reached out for some help, any help. I don't really want or feel like doing christmas at my brothers this year but am torn because my I don't know how many more christmas's my Dad my have ahead of him. I would be just fine if I could just stay here but I know I can't do that. I think also last christmas dinner resulted in a major fight between my sister-in-law which greatly hurt my brother and both my parents. However, I will do what I must and get through it.
After that somewhat intense group I headed home and wolfed down some lunch then headed over to the Housing Board meeting. It was good. Managed to get a ride downtown with a couple of Councilors and was not told but told that I will be getting the vacant possition on the Board for the 2014 year. I am really very excited about getting this and will work very hard to make my position and time a possitive for the board. I am very happy with this information.
So went to the bank then walked up to City Hall to get some more bus tickets. Called a cab to get the a couple of grocery stores to get much needed supplies. By this point my body was a wreck and was very near tears just trying to get through without collapsing which I was very dangerously closed having happen. Called a cab and made it home. The driver was so nice and carried my grocery bag into my building to may door.
After collapsing for a bit I took my blood sugars and discovered I was 1.9. Didn't take insulin and pigged out. Have to check it soon to make sure sugars haven't gone way to hi.
Skyped with Kris. She's awoke with feeling down and sad and as the day progressed it got alot worse for her. Her son is having major problems with school and may have ADD or something else. He's not able to keep up with his peers and is somewhat distruptive in class. A very major concern because she just doesn't know what or where to begin to try and help his with this situation that is getting progressively worse. All his dad can do is cry about what is happening with his son. I feel such pain and agony for Kris.
Talked very briefly with Carm and only on a superficial level. I don't want to create any further situations because I do value her friendship. I just don't want to beg for her friendship as I know that is the exact behaviour I want to stop doing. It's bad, it's destructive and it's very dangerous for me.
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