Just couldn't face recording everything in my life daily and probably still can't but I need to record some very great highs but also some very low low's I've experienced over the last month or so. Where to begin???
I had a couple of simultaneous MS attacks this winter with alot of pains and nearly lost vision in one eye. It was tough to go through and very scary having to see Doctor after doctor. But that was the final analysis and only have a couple followup appointments this week. My vision is very close to being back to normal but not yet quite there. Time and patience is required after MS attacks but even though I have all the time in the world but patients I don't have.
I have managed to piss off, alienate and lose people in my life up here in Owen Sound. Even though my group therapy has helped me tremendously in changing some significant aspects of my emotional reactions to things or people I very quickly revert back to behaviours I put into play throughout these many years. I am saddened, disappointed and greatly embarrassed when I lose control. I know I need much more help with getting these things or recognizing the signs and backing off when I should before I reach the boiling point and explode and scare people and strangers. I finally quit my friendship with Carm. She was/is so toxic to me but not before I made a shameful scene in public with her.This led to complaints coming forward to another person that I have worked with on Pride. I apologized when she brought it to my attention but I got very emotional and very angry on the way she did this. Of course this led to an even angrier outburst while discussing it over a phone call. I lost control, I cried heavily, I tried to defend myself but all this anger and humiliation led me to hang up on her and spend way to much time worrying and wanting so badly to quit the Pride committee and my obligations to this. My desire to run away has been strong but I'm trying hard to hold on. Not sure what I'll end up doing but for now but am fairly content enough to not do anything right now. .
Other issues I'm dealing with and am worried about. Decided NOT to attend family wedding of my Nephew and instead will spend that money on attending Tobie's Graduation from Brock University June 3/14. Kelsey will come get me and we will drive together to St. Catherine's for the Grad and to see her University for the first time even though she's lived there for 5 years. My very good friend ML will meet us in Toronto and bring me home to OS. She'll visit with me here for a couple of days. So that is going to be my summer vacation for this year.
I have a very ill and aged Aunt who we thought was dying but she seems to be pulling through again. She will be 89 in July and has had a very tortured life with severe depression episodes over her life with many many hospitalizations and suicide attempts. As for my own Mom she is 82 and has been the tough one all her life with her siblings only talking to her. These 4 siblings (one has passed) never got along and don't communicate with each other, only with Mom. Mom began to fall apart very badly but is now under her Doctors care in trying to get her more stable emotionally. So I'm trying to help my brother out as much as I can by doing everything possible by myself as he is so busy with helping both my Mom and Dad, His upcoming sons wedding, working on Contract with the City getting things ready for this Falls Municipal Elections, his marriage and his own emotions. He's cried a lot over the last months with everything that's happening.
My Volunteering has be really busy and very good for me. I like what I'm doing and feel respected for what I am doing. I've come to love this City and it's size and my abilities to get around. Yes a God Awful very long, very cold winter but it has finally left us and I once again can get the scooter out and about and don't need to call Glen to help me get groceries.
So I know there's so much more but am tired and I think this is it for now. Don't know when I'll get back to doing this. I think about it often but just don't have the drive to actually do it. Maybe I'll get it back but I'm not worrying about it. It will happen when it happens. Namaste to anyone who reads this but it is for me to help me to keep learning and moving forward in my life and spirituality.
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