St. Patrick celebrations here at the Retirement Home

Everyone is all in Green here today and the big party has begun in the common room I am really not in a good place to celebrate with the seniors this afternoon. I popped into the back for a couple of minutes but left shortly after. I have so much weighing on my mind to really focus myself so just staying out of the way and keeping quiet is the best course of action for me right now. waiting for someone to show up to install my WIFI but so far nobodies come. If they don't show up by the 5pm deadline I really don't know what I'll do I've promised everyone here that it's coming today and I'll finally be out of everyone's way here in the lobby and hallway. So......just hanging around the lobby all day and periodically trying to get some things done in my room that my son was going to help me with but doesn't have the time. He's a very busy young man and I understand this. It is what it is eh??!!?? I am very much struggling still and I so hate this struggle. No work yet about my GP finding me a Therapist, no word from the WIFI tech showing up, very expensive quote to get my Scooter fixed and safe so that is still up in the air....just bad shit all round and it is taking a real chunk out of my ability to keep coping, I am not coping well at all and long for the day when once again I have control and peace within myself. God I long for that day. I honestly don`t know how much longer I can hold on and not breakdown like a babbling idiot. I`ve been there before and it scares me so that I`m not far off from being there again. No one really knows what goes on in the mind of a disturbed individual. One who feels she`s losing her grip to stay within Societies comfort zone. I feel like screaming, like lashing out with physical bouts of aggression, I feel like falling into a sea of tears, I feel like coving my head under the blankets and hiding away from everything and everyone. I feel like I need to be hugged and cuddled by someone I don't have In my life. I feel so alone even though I am surrounded by so many People here. God I hate this when it comes and overwhelms me and my life. I HATE IT with a psssion like no other. FUCK is all I can say so FUCK, FUCK, FUCK it all!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 This is a 55 year old sane woman travelling through the murky waters of a slowly emerging depression. I'm trying hard to stop it but so far am losing the battle. No friggin WIFI technician showed up as expected. So I still have to use the figgin lobby. Blah