Thurs.June 18/15 I screwed up AGAIN and have lost my Lover

Well here it goes once again. I have caused the breakdown of what could have been a beautiful thing. I ask myself WHY and quite frankly I do know why but I just keep on doing it over and over. I rushed into my love for another Woman and because of my incessant need to fold her into what I want her to be and to feel for me I permanently severed what chance I had with her. I am sad, very sad. I am hurting once again because of these actions. I say I am better and am ready but I know I am not because I keep doing the same things and expecting different results. I experience more with this woman than I ever thought possible. I made love with this person and wanted more of this. I focused to hard and to headstrong into demanding more of this with her. The end result I pushed her away from me. We have talked briefly this morning and both agree that we want to continue to build a good friendship with each other but I know in due time this will eventually fade into the past as well. I have made promises to her to keep her in my life. I have done this so many times in the past to friends I wanted to be closer with but eventually they go South on me and I lose these wonderful people from my life eventually. This friendship may be different but will it really be. I do not know and it will only be over time that I will see. She has opened up a beautiful part in me that I thought would never wake. She was such a gentle caring lover and I so wanted so much more. But alas I lost this and her by my emotions and actions!!! I am still so lost in my thoughts regarding my Reike and Pranic Healing experiences of last weekend. I am of the impression that whatever it was that happened to me that day is significantly caused my actions to bring about all this shit. Do not know how or why but I feel deeply that it has. I have to try and get in touch with both women who worked on me to see if I can find some answers from them Maybe or maybe not they can enlighten me a little, All I know is that I have to try. I did tell my friend that I still wish to treat her to dinner some time but I will not be able to do that until I same up some money. She said she would like to honour this request from me. This will not come to pass until some time next month as she is very busy and heading to Toronto Pride then holidays starting this Thursday. I also confirmed that we will check out this new spiritual group we both are interested in attending. I think I will have to do it alone thought getting my Tattoo is so desperately want to get over my heart via her good friend and Tattoo Artist. That is scary for sure as she was going to help with this but can not commit to my request, I AM doing this as it is extremely important to me that I do. Again I will have to same up the money before this can happen. So it is still very early in the morning for me right now. I do wonder what things will cross my path today but no matter what comes my way I want and will deal with it. finally broke down in a great big heap of sobs while trying to tell one of the Staff that was conducting a survey of new residents to help them identify areas needing improvement or change. I told what was happening with me and couldn't get through it. She had to leave because after all she does have a job to do. After she left or rather shut the door, I let the tear flow and the sobs come an go. They are in check right now but I know I could be be right back there at the drop of a pin. Too much time on my hands this evening. Nothing going on and don't feel like going out on my scooter. So here I am sitting alone in my Apartment, feeling sad and rejected. Angry with myself to causing this grief I'm feeling and very frustrated knowing that I will never again experience the joy and rush of making love to this woman. I say life right now is a FUCKING DISAPOINTME, I do have gratitude this evening for my lady I`ve lost I am grateful that she was very open and honest with me even thought she was making it clear that she did not want what I wanted. I grateful to my daughters for understanding as best the can with my issues, I am grateful to a few close friends in Owen Sound has listened to my teary eyed talks with them as I`m sure they too are getting a little tired of their crazy emotional friend which of course I`m referring to me I`m holding onto my faith that tomorrow just might be a better day which I sure want it to be. Namaste one and all how may read my Journaling