Monday June 15/15 Incredible experiences yesterday

My life has been both enlightened and rotten since last Sunday. I was extremely affected by both my introductions to Pranic Healing & Reike Sunday afternoon. Things happened to me Spiritually, Physically and emotionally that not only freaked me out but has lingering affects that have scared me. I will want to record it all in this Journal because I don`t want to forget any of what has and is happening to me. I experienced some Pranic Healing and Reike Sunday afternoon. Also had long conversation with a couple of woman from the Ottawa Spiritual Pathways Centre which Sue and I want to want to check into in a few weeks time. I want to tell you about what happened to me during these 2 sessions, Very incredible experiences physically, spiritually and emotionally. Very awesome and intense !!! I had a very intense night of emotional turmoil and got only a couple hours sleep. No real closeness to Deb either which was not at all what I was expecting to have happen. Everything was all tied into those two sessions. I was very open to what these woman were doing. During these experiences I cried, I lost control of my body movements, My feet lifted off the floor and something was not letting me put them down among many other things. I felt things being drawn out of my body, huge emotional and spiritual blockages hiding deep within. I wasn`t able to breath. I felt everything that was happening to me but I can`t put it into words. It truly felt like I was having an out of body experience. Both healers said that had seem many differing reactions from clients but never as intensely as I had shown them. I had a purple aura surrounding me she said and a white dove upon my shoulder among many other things throughout this. I could feel the releasing of something throughout both sessions and It was like I was in a trance. Another person had to keep her hands on my Shoulders to ensure I wouldn`t fall backward or out of the chair I was sitting on. I was not conscious of my surrounding and many people talking and milling about all around me. It took them both time to bring me back. My Reike lady has worked MS patients & had seen tremendous improvements after many sessions. I know I have found something that will help me tremendously but I know I will never ever be able to afford this incredible treatment. This makes me very sad indeed. She also could see much anger and frustration deep within that was blocking me from moving forward. I really thought I had dealt with all this but this is not the case. There was so much more that happened that I wish I had recorded as soon as I got home but I didn't and I have deeply regretted that. What did happen when Sue and I finally got back to my place was an incredible overwhelming exhaustion for both of us. Sue also had her own experiences that afternoon. While we were watching Orange is the New black I became extremely restless. So much so I could not concentrate on anything happening around me. I was sensitive to Debs every comments and touch or more importantly Lack of Touching. I so wanted to take her to bed and lose myself in her that I was actually in some kind of pain knowing that that wasn't going to happen. I could not stop pacing around or going outside to smoke many many cigarettes. when I did settle a bit we went to bed, we briefly kissed and said goodnight. I could not stop crying and shaking. Several times she asked me if I wanted her to go home, I didn't, I wanted to be hugged and feel wanted. Finally I got up and left her to sleep and so began a night of sleeplessness and going deep within my head. Same thing was still happening when she lft for work, I left for yet another fucking hospital and specialist. We talked late last evening and it just kept getting worse. I had not eaten anything since lunch. My Cell phone died, My Sugars crashed dangerously love which I ignored checking. We tald, I bcame demanding and tried to control her into saying and doing what I wanted. NOPE not good of me to do this. Not GOOD of me freaking out on her. Just Goddamned fucking dangerous stuff to do to her. Once again I headed off to bed with my mind in total disarray. We have exchanged chatting in the mornings so Sent her a brief msg wishing her a happy day and not asking her when could we might speak to each other today. I must not go there and wait and see if she responds. I believe that I have once again sabotaged any chance I may have had to develop a deepening relationship and not lose that but lose a wonderful friendship with this woman. That is what has happned many times before, It has always been me and my actions severing potentially great things in my life. If this proves to be case here I have no one to blame but myself and will try very hard to live through the great disappointment that is sure to be and not sink into an uncontrollable and dangerous depression. Again Old behaviors!!!! Will losing this wonderful woman from life be hard YES it will. Will her deciding to walk away from me happen from this NO I have to leave the confines of my Apartment and my head today so am once again heading out on my Scooter in an attempt to distract my mind from spinning and spiraling and wigging out. Many people I am grateful for and to whom I need to somehow let them know today!!