I don't know if what I want to analyzed or disect at this moment in time happens to others or not. But it happens to me!Way to often to keep me very messed up and even so far as to become dangerously manic. Well I'm here for the umteenth time once again. This, I honestly hate and want to stop but I need to figure out why I can't. Time to move away from vagueness and start digging deeper. God help me to find the answers I need. Just do this deana. It's time and you know it. You've spent enough time and wasted enough energy. Jump deana, you know this can only help you and maybe guide us away from this destructiveness. It's what you want. what you need. to keep on your path.....I'm stalling. I'm embarrassed. I am disgusted with myself and my inability to stop such destructive behaviors.........I hope I can properly express this stuff to be able to learn from it........
When ever I meet another woman that I feel understands me and accepts me inspite of my never ending need to analize and analize somemore. My crazy somewhat destructive nature to never 'shutup' and want to keep talking long past the 'normal' point of ending the discussion. I've more than once tried to explain this behavior away but it's never believable even to me. As my confort level starts to increase so do my fantasies. I let myself begin to believe that maybe, just maybe, this woman might possibly be having these feelings emerging within them. I think that is normal behaviour for most people but as I've done so many times before I seem to allow myself take it one or two steps ahead of where it should be. Do you understand what going on here deana. You're setting yourself up to be crushed, to keep your status quo where it's always been...Could it be that you don't allow yourself to believe that anything else be possible for you? Do you still think that you deserve this anquish, this pain and frustration. Is it because your desire to fuse you're two selves into one is never going to happen. Is it because you can't shut those bad, dangerous, destructive voices in your head off. I know you use to use alcohol or street drugs to shutdown the voices but you also know they always came back louder when the 'party' ended. Believe in yourself deana, you beat the alcohol stuff and you beat the 'drug stuff' Believe you can eventually overcome this. It's so hard I want to shout and scream. It's been part of me for all my waking years. Keep moving forward deana. You will find some kind of answers. Back to my latest battles regarding a woman. Her name is Alexa. As mentioned in other blogs she befriended me on Facebook. We had similar interest and started to chat. We very quickly realized how similar our lives were and are. We chatted more and more . We both wear our emotions on our sleeves and we are both very open in our discussions. She asked and I told. I started to ask and she responded in honest loving ways. We began exhanging questions, feelings, emotions, past life experiences. An incredible feeling of finding another sole out there juhast like me. I'm about 10 years older and had gone throught alot of what she was experiencing now. I suddenly started to allow my thoughts to start changing in relation to learning more of her. I started to be bothered by were my mind was allowing me to venture. Not good deana I started to tell myself. Not a good place at all. A destructive place, a dangerous place. I had been stewing about this for sometime and needed to tell her what was happening to me. I can't remember exactly when I mentioned to her were my head had gone, where is was going. I expressed as clearly as I could that I knew what was happening. I knew this was something that I done before on many other occasions. I knew that these thoughts, fantasies would never, could never become more real. I explained as best I could that the the person she had shown me she is is exactly the type of person I had been wanting in my life. She was respresenting everything I was suddenly realizing that I wanted, needed, desired, and if actually ever found I knew. It was so clear to me suddenly. So tangible. So desirable and needed that I actually started to freak. This new friend was personifying the kind of person that I knew, just so knew, in my heart of hearts that I could, would love like never ever before. Alexa was showing me without even knowing it something so profound and earth shattering that I never thought or imagined that I could feel this way. I truely don't think I could ever do justice to myself or to my friend Alexa with this earth shattering discovery. I see it now, I know it could be tangible for me, I realize that is might even be possible for me to be open to this happening. It happened with Alexa at least as close as Ive ever been able to be. Well last night some sudden, somewhat painful things happened one aftemr the other. My anger and frustrations very quickly blew up and way out of control. I called out to Alexa to have someone absorb my crazy out of control feelings. She asked me to explain what had happened. but much more importantly were was the anger coming from. Several times I explained and just as many times she responded that I had to go deeper into myself and really say where it was really rooted. Not in so many words but I finally saw what she was asking of me. I worked my anger to finally see that it was actually coming from a very insecure, frightful place. It was coming from my really painful need to have someone with me physically, emotionally and intellectually in such a time when everything else was so overpowering. I cried when she helped me to accept what really was happening. We talked about it and what it all really means. We talked until she felt secure in the knowledge that I wasnèt about to something crazy. What I actually ended up doing was accepting that I was still way to wound to just go to bed I decided to blogged. I didnèt take my meds and just wrote and wrote until about 4am. I had finally expelled very last bit of anger and anxiety and went to be to sleep soundly until about 11am. I awoke refreshed and happy. I just knew the day was going to be good and it was. So deana where are you now. Im good, Im happy and I sure am happy with myself and what I ultimately learned as a result of everything...Way to go Deana, Allow these feelings to engulf you...to bath you in warmth and happiness...THANKYOU ALEXA..YOU ARE INCREDIBLE just as you are...until the next blog....
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