I'm ready to talk about my encounters with religious fanatics. I had just completed my first involvement with a 28 day program for my drinking problems. I was so desparately trying to find someone or something to make me 'right' I got involved with a small group of people that were a breakaway group form another larger more univrsal religious group. Anyway, becoming involved with this group was somewhat complicated, kind of like meeting someone who introduced me to someone and so on. It stemmed from my1 yr celebration of sobriety within AA. I was introduced to another girl at that celebration and we clicked and over time became friends. Eventually she introduced me to group that she had been introduced to earlier. I was skeptical at first but agreed to go. This person I had connected with had had many many horrible problems in her own like (physical childhood abuse, Alcoholism, Major marriage issues, Husband who'd had a stroke and was memtally disabled for life , involvement with lesbian activities, single parent...suffice it to say a whole waft of issues) ... Well I really liked this person, you could probably say I liked her too much and wanted to be with her all the time. So I went to this church. Well it was intrigueing and something I had never experienced before. A lot of live musicwhich I loved, alot of praising the lord, alot of hands being laid on each other, alot of strange things happening like speaking in tongues and being touched and falling down in trance like ways...I was intrigued but quite freaked out by it....The 'pastor's were a husband/wife team and he led the services in shorts and flamboyent shirts. Nothing like the 'church' of my youth. I was raised in the united church until I was about nine. We stopped going and throuhout my teens I tried to connect on several occasions but never could commit to it. In hindsight, I was trying to find some connection to something, trying to feel I belonged, something to help me with fears and confusion within me. But like the way I ticked, I never completed this, In hindsight I wish I could have. Back to the fanatics...I was drawn in and started attending. I started doing the 'lessons', I learned how to read the bible (which I liked and became quite fascinated with), I started being less and less self conscious, I started praising the lord, I started laying on the hands, I slowly was becoming so involved that I started bringing my kids to church and trying to help them meet and befriend other kids of the church. I tryed to get my husband to come but he wasn't interrested. At the time I couldn't see where this was going...I only thought that finally I found my saviour....not god butthese strange and maimed peopl. I did not notice at that time just how damaged everyone was with their life experiences. I was only identifying with their pain seemingly being healed by what they were doing and their beliefs...I desparately wanted what they seemed to have. I engrained myself into the 'leaders' of the cult with my friend. Started volunteering my time to the church. Their financial sources were such that all members gave 10% of their income to the 'church'. I could not do this - my husband would never understand or agree. I knew this as well and really never agreed with it anyway but I know if I had the financial ability and only me I probably would have. Scary insn't it. I started arranging my whole existence aroud this church and it's members. I attended the big 'services' in Toronto with some of the leaders of 'our' church 2 or 3 times for about 3 days at a time. Well, if I got caught up in the little church back home... I blissfully drowned in the experiences of Toronto. I after one of the sessions (several thousand people were attending) I suddenly found myself desparately experiencing the wierdest stuff happening, my companions gathered around me and started their own 'speaking' to me, through me...I had fallen from my chair in the middle of this gigantic hall and was thrashing about on the floor trying to get my Voice out.....result: speaking in tongues I was told. I was filled with an incredible sense of belonging, being 'one of them', passing some sort of test successfully in their eyes. This was just too friggin amazing. Me, someone who was lost, desparately trying to find a connection to someone, something, anything, Eureka...I found it, finally.....or so I wanted to beleive. I knew somewhere deep within my soul that something about this whole weird cultish thing I'd allowed myself to become part of was wrong. Was dangerous. But at that time I wouldn't allow my family make me see it. I invited my mom to a Sunday service and I not only felt it was wrong I stayed and tryed desparately for her to see the 'light' as I had. She stayed for me but was immediately uncomfortable, concerned for me, really tried to make me see what she was seeing. Icouldn't...I wouldn't...not yet. I had to go through much more before I broke away from them (and they away from me).
I know my times of when and what happened are not right but it's the gist of everything is what I need to see and and discuss with myself. Right now this is making quessy and uncomfortable. I still hold feelings of anger and betrayal towards them and myself for that part of my life. There were so many other things going on within my life, my head that I was speeding towards some sort of crash. I knew that some sort of crash was going to happen but just what, were, how, why was not in my actual thoughts...I was so intent on fining 'the cure' for everything that ailed me at that time in my life. Pull yourself back onto the path deana. Keep your focus on the end results of all this....don't steer away....you need to get this written to let your stored feelings fly away....just keep flying, you know it's worth it to you in the end. Writing is helping. You feel it deana ... keep feeling what's happening...your sugars are good, your head is in a good place, don't allow fear into this....keep remembering you learned from it, you felt the pain from it but it can not hurt you anymore. Finish what you've started. You know completion is needed, it's what you want - no more quiting something that's too hard for you. You lived that way for too long. NO MORE = Completion is the key to the intermal success you're looking for and needing.................................................................
WOW...here I go again....I've lost track of where I was with this. I began letting my feelings of Lesbianism, husband,divorce,illness and stuff slowly emerge into one-on-one discussions. This of course was NOT what I was supposed to be thinking, not at all, no way....the whole premise of this religous groups belief system was that the man was the most important be all, end all, entity of a familly. He was the top. To them you grow up with this belief and values, you find and marry a man within your beliefs and values, He works and you raise your adoring kids to complete this circle of life. Divorce only being the last resort, no deviations from the MAN + woMAN + SON + daughter
No other model was acceptable in the least way. For a very mixed up confused troubled woman this connection could go 2 ways. Either you follow them and pigieon yourself into believing theirs is the only path to happiness or you rebel in someway. Needless to say I wasn't 'strong' enough to keep following this dangerous group and my nature was to somehow use the fight or flight method of making them see my problems and that I was 'sinking' into an abyss so very fast. The more I talked to more they began to distance themselves from me. My friend who brought me in was taken completely, totally, almost kidnapped into the 'inner' circle 24 hrs a day. Visually, what was happening to her physically, emotionally, mentally was very disturbing to watch. I was completely cut off from her. In my opinion she should have been taken to a hospital not into a cult. She did not complain these people and what was happening. I was thinking more like what are these people doing. Are they 'brain washing her'. Are they indoctrinating deeper into this cult or grooming her to one day be a leader. So many questions but no clear answers. Am I losing my mind over all this crazy crazy wierdness. I knew I was losing my husband, my kids, my family. everyone important to me because I was so obsessive with it all. I started drinking again and driving. I arrived at the home were I thought my friends were. They wouldn't let me in the house. They wouldn/t let me see the person I'd come to see. They new I had been drinking but let me leave anyway. I was in tears. I was a mess. Nothing was working as I so wanted. I left. I stopped at an AA meeting I was very much a part of. I went in but left shortly after. Some women could see I was in trouble and followed me to my van .They talked, I cryed. Once again The saviour I'd found to 'cure' me failed...I failed....was failing again and again and again.....I went home and said nothing......I'm going thru some deep seeded emotions over this but I'm OK. I wish there was someone around to hold on too. to hug and hug me back. There isn't but Damnit deana you're OK. This stuff was then and now is now. Let it go deana. Let those feelings go. You don't need friends like that ever ever ever again. You still have a longing to find a happy, healthy accepting kind of fellowship. You know it may not be in a church setting. But I like sitting in a church. I feel safe in certain churches - the feel of the pews, to wonderful stained glass to routine of some services, feeling accepted no matter who or what you are...I know I'm not totally cut off from finding something again but I'm certainly very very very timid about venturing into it.....Breath deeply deana...there is no rush...no time limits .... if it's meant to happen it will happen. Stop looking so hard ... You know it will find you when or if its preordained....take it easy now you've worked hard this day but I'm so proud that I kept making myself come back to this. You know that you kept leaving it but you came back and now you've made another accomplishment. Swallow it, absorb it....Keep on doing what's obviously helping.....................thank you deana..........you do deserve a pat on your back..............
No comments:
Post a Comment