Very deep & personal stuff....

I think I'm ready to start putting to notes something that has haunted me for pretty much all of my conscious life. I don't know how to begin this or even where to begin so I'll try my best to start back at the beginning. I'm talking to myself so it might get a little weird or confusing but Hell I've been confused all my life about alot of things. My language can get bad also so if anyone actually reads this I apologize now. Well here it goes:

 

1. Right from my earliest play memories I always played & dressed as the boy, my sister as the girl. Never ever the other way round. This fact really hit home with me sometime last year when I was going through old photos of my parents and school pictures. I was a bonafide 'Tom Boy' which I ejoyed being until I hit school ages. I never liked wearing dresses and always fought my parents over this. Also, girls could not wear pants in school until I reached 5th grade. It's kinda funny that in all my school photo's I always wore something that showed my defiance against dresses. Usually it was something like wearing dirty running shoes without laces in them. Never realized this until I started looking over many old class pictures a few years ago. Moving ahead a little I was always mistaken for a boy by both kids (male/femate) and adults alike. I generally mainly played with boys because I liked everything the boys were into.  I hated all the girlie stuff like barbies and dressing up etc.I was very small for my age and looked a few years younger than I actually was which was caused from an earlv childhood ease which dworfism. I was given doses of Testosteron to jumpstart my growth but this greatly worried my parents about me until the day I announced I was getting married. My parents vigorously questioned the Doctors about the testosterone being given to me but were assured that nothing would happen. That was the thinking back in 1961 but it sure insn't the case now. Testosterone is not given to girls because of kown inherent problems it can cause. Anyway that was then ... and it was over 50 yrs ago. Well things continued to be confusing and frustrating for me ... I really really hated being a girl and often wished I was a boy. Life seemed to be so much less complicated for boys. I didn't think that this type of thinking was any indication of problems. I just thought it was unique to me...scary, frightening, weird, frustrating and God know what else was going on in the mind of an immiture 4-12 yr old. Well, this type of weirdness thinking continued throughout my teen years but I was trying so so very hard to fit into the mold of a maturing Female into Adulthood ... and very unsucessfully I must add....I bedded guys if/when I was drunk enough and knew I had some very serious sexual problems. I learned how to fake it or break off with a guy if things moved to the sexual stage....After Imarried my husband and we tried many time to get help with my problems I asked my GP to help me find someone to talk to alone. She connected me to a Psychiatrist who specialized in What I thought was sexual problems....what I didn't know was that his specialty was dealing with sexual identity changes. Well I found this out right away and vehemently denied that that was why I was sent to see him. I was shocked and appalled to think my own GP thought this and I told her of my shock. She explained to me that that was not to reason she referred me to him, that he was the only Doctor in Ottawa she could find that Might be able to help. I lasted about 3 sessions with him for 2 reasons....The first being he was a froudian type doctor and he litterally laughed out loud at me when I spoke of some of my issues...I could not run away from this guy fast enough....Humiliation and extreme embarrassment were foremost in my mind for a long long time. I certainy was not comfortable nor able to discuss the male oriented issues with him or any one else ever after that. So, I really don't know if ever this played a part in who I ultimately ended up being, or if I is why I could never enjoy sexual activities with me or even women. I think that I am just a screwed up person in many different ways that have ultimately left me more of an asexual entity even though I am continually longing for and craving for that connection. I have also been a dismal failure with self gratification practices as well. Very  depressing and very isolating for sure. I'm quite sure there are many other aspects to this revelation of mine but I believe I've spoken about the gist of what I want and need to verbalize. I have not reread this and am actually a little afraid to but I need to keep moving forward, to keep being positive and to keep loving myself the best I can...there is only one person I want to talk openly and honestly about this and you know who you are. I truly hope you feel OK to talk to me......thankyou for listening (reading) and to anyone who might identify I hope you have been able to come to your peace of mind.......