Hello There

Today is a beautiful Sunny white scattered cloud kind of day. It is somewhat a visual of how I'm feeling today. I blogged some private stuff yesterday but didn't put all of my stuff I needed to get out but I knew that I could not do it in this format. Instead, I completely expelled the last remaining anxieties never before layed out to someone that I befriended in 'cyberspace' this morning. Oh God, I feel so good and happy and free right now because I've finally completed something that I wanted to complete for a very long long time. I almost want to take a hard copy and give it to my Mom and Brother to read to give them a chance to have a better understanding of just where my head was during some of the more difficult and trying times of my life but more importantly to give them some sort of cathartic relief. But instead I know I will not show them this because I know that they would not and understandably could not get anything good out of it. It truely, in my mind, would only cause them to think badly of themselves for not knowing. Over the years I have tried on numerous levels to help them understand my thinking but it only causes them tremendous gilt and they blame themselves. This is not what it is nor what I want them to feel. It never has been my intent but somehow I continually seem to do this to them. I am working harder and harder to not be the completely open book ( or fool ) that I've always been with them and always wanted them to be with me. Their generation and mime are so different that I know this can't be the norm but rather the exception. I have managed to reach a level with Mom like never before in the last year of so that is so loving, deep and fulfilling for, I think, both of us. Certainly not with my dad. He is just not built that I way and I've accepted that in him. He is my father and I love him very much even though there is this emotional gap thats always been there at least it no longer is getting wider. I'm actually proud of myself that I finally realized that if I wanted a better relationship with my Dad I was the one that had to change, that I could not change my Dad and for this I've been much happier. I sure know my Dads alot happier that I no longer fight with him on absolutely everything. Another blessing given me.

I have not handled my own funds for many years. I'm only just starting to take back some of this stuff by opening a savings accout. Today my balance is $350. When you have completely lost all capability of handling funs and had to have the priviledge and right taken away from you for many years (This was completely done by my choice) It is so amazing what feelings of pride and joy come to you when something as significant of as a savings accout once again becomes a reality. For many many years it was thought (by me & everyone else) that I would never again be able to live on my own, manage my own life, handle any of my money and really just survive as just another person who happens to have some disabilities. Well here I am, I'm alive and thriving. Many people have supported me and helped through this often difficult journey. God only truely knows how grateful I am to so many. The only way for me to truely thank everyone is to continue to exemplified progress and to growing in confidence in myself and continue to keep striving for automony and independance. I know I'm doing this and I know my family and friends are seeing this in me. Really, this is such a Win-Win for everyone. I'm proud, I'm happy, I feel that I'm finally becoming the Mature Adult I've always wanted to become - Good mother, daughter,sister and friend - I'm really starting to believe that life is and can remain filled with light ..... rejoice Deana, you know you deserve this....keep on keeping one love.........