The following are my thoughts from very late last nite as I wrote to my friend:
it's 1am and I've been sitting here really letting all that was talked about earlier sink in. I really wanted to put this in my blog and may do so tomorrow but I first really want to address this to you privately and can't or won't sleep until I convey these very recent thoughts...you spoke words that I needed to hear, really hear and understand and digest. When you spoke about all of us having moments of self doubt and that you've cryed and feel alone. That you've questioned your existence. And equally be able to put up a good front even though you have the same fears as I. Well once I really read it over and over and over and took those words to my heart and soul I finally began to slowly let the the realization of what you were saying resonate into a place that I locked away and would not, could not access. I heard you. I finally fucking listened and heard your message. Very few have spoken their truth like you did, especially at the risk of angering me and possibly ruining our friendship. Yes I get it, that I have to make changes and quit being the victim. I've learned that in the past but I allowed myself to disregard what I know to be true so I could wallow in self pity and the 'poor little me' victim persona....With all my mood swings and wild thoughts of late is obviously was so easy to get trapped in the cess pool I've seemed to like being caught up in. Well not like but seem to want to be in. So, I THANK YOU again for being you and helping me to see some truths that I was too stubborn to see on my own. This is not to say that my feelings and thoughts are 'cured' because they are not but it is saying that I'm willing and ready to take ownership of these responsibilities and work diligently and steadfast to reach some kind of conclusion that, with the guidence of my councellor, I can learn to live with with some modicom of peace and tranquility. I also hope to resolve my feelings for you and firmly place them where they need to be. I will also be discussing this in more depth with Margo (councillor). I've briefly broached this topic and habitual behaviours exhibited with others in my past. I really want to keep you within my life and so very much want to keep this incredible honesty alive and well. Please, when you can, reply with your thoughts and feelings. I hope you're OK with this latest round of blabbering. I feel good and ready to maybe get some sleep with a clearer conscience.....good night (1:42am) Friend
This is what I wrote back to her this morning after she had replied back to me
Thankyou so much for your frankness. This has happened to me before with my Neurologist. He was the first person to blatently put things into perspective. I was so angry with him that I walked out of his office leaving my parents with him. I litterly fumed for a day or two until I finally calmed enough to 'hear' and 'listen' to his words and digest and accept what I needed to accept. I equate your words, not on as great a scale as before but definitely for what they were. I'm so sorry that you worried and lost your valuable sleep over this. I never ever wanted to cause that for you or anyone ever. Please, in future, never feel threatend by being direct nor my initial reactions. I get what it is you're trying to do and so appreciate that you care enough to risk saying what you believe to be in the best interest for me. In actuality your words snapped me out of the dark place I seemed to want to stay in. Well not today. I'm going to enjoy the next couple of days and participate fully with my family here and in Ottawa. So what I'm trying to make as clear and concise as I can is THANKYOU. You have a wonderful family day and I hope Santa is good to you. I like your words 'you're a good egg' and pass them back to you. HO HO HO
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