Personal Gratification

I don't know how to approach this topic. I'm somewhat embarrassed. I've never discussed this with anyone other than within my own head. Now there have been many discussions, fears, nievitaes,frustrations and even bitter & very angry accusations towards myself and life in general. This is something that has made me feel even more detached and freakish for such a long, painful and bitter time. I can't believe that at 53 I still haven't had the courage nor the apptitude to figure  it out on my own. I feel I've wasted away so much of my life and can't seem to get over this once and for all. I still have hope. I still have desires. I'm just convinced that it will never be a reality. I guess what it is is that I have built it up to be something that maybe it could never possibly be. I wish from deep within my soul but having never had a recognizable occurance how am I to ever truely know. I am so afraid of living my live to it's end without knowing this so very basic feeling nor ever experiencing the intimate love for and from another human being. Oh God knows what I feel, how I think, what I think but I have never brought myself or allowed myself to be that close to anyone. How I ache for the touch from another. How I wish that I could just shut my head down and enjoy the sensations as they may come. I don't even have erotic dreams very much. Yes, occasionally but although very gratifying will caught within one waking leaves me with such an intense lonelyness and letdown that I often hurt for days at time. Again, does this not seem abnormal. It does to me. Why is this. Why me. Why for so long. This is so deeply entrenched within every acheing fibre of my being. There have been many an occasion where I wish I had the money to search out and find some type of service that could would be able to help me find my inner beauty and desirability. Just teach me how to enjoy receiving and giving gratification. Plainly put, to have and know I have succeeded in achieving an organism. To know and allow my body to experience this basic human joy, to shut my brain down completely and allow the sensations of lovemaking fullfil my dreams and desires. Is this too much to aask of myself or another woman to provide. You see, I just don't know. I feel so damned inadequate and inexperienced and stupid. I'm so very angry that this is me, that this how I am, how I think...I don't know how to figure this out. People just don't ever talk about these things. I've always felt that if one doesn't express this stuff then how do you learn. How do you know. How can you (me actually) satify someone or oneself. I so want and need help with this but have no clue nor ever had any clues to what or how to properly deal with this. I know it's greatly affected every aspect of my life. It actually, in recent months, has impacted my whole belief system in being gay. I know that I never ever want to be sexually intimate with a man but does this mean that I want a relationship with a woman or that I am asexual. If have desires for a woman but I have not true experience. I am debating if I should try to discuss this with my councellor. Or if she is even the proper person to discuss this with. I want to discuss it with a very close friend but not sure if that would be OK for either of us. All I know is that I need to discuss this with somebody, somewhere, sometime, somehow. I have some time to keep dwelling on it but I know it's part of what's dragging me down and I can't not leave it alone to much longer.... damnit, I so make my life much more difficult than it should be.....................