Very Bad Month Emotionally....

I haven't been able to blog for a long time now. It has been a roller coaster month with all the various emotions and issues I'm trying to juggle and deal with. I must admit I have not done too well. With Perimenopause in full swing now everything has basically gone to 'shit' and I'm not coping so well. I exibit alot of symtoms that someone with OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) does. Never been diagnosed with such but it really dosen't matter. I can only function if I do things in the same way every day all day. I've recently had major uncontrollable crying jags lasting for hours and hours and have been falling into deep depressions. I've been free of this for several years so this sudden and frequent fall has scared me intensely and makes me feel I might be losing my hard earned control. What takes years to climb out of only takes hours to fall back into the void. I equate it to something like a drain. Manageable on the surface and slow enough to make small adjustments when needed. But once you start going further into the funnel the faster and much more difficult to get out. It's like drowning and being powerless to overcome it. Anyway, that's whats been happening and why I've been so reluctant and affraid to spend time in deep conversations with myself. I've been trying to swim my way back up the funnel but am having some difficulty. My have made contact with a psychologist and will soon be trying to get some things straightened out. I have avoided any mind doctors for a few years because I had several that really messed me up more than I was when I started and had some try to talk me out of my lesbian issues and stay in and work on my marriage. I have found a few who really did help me and I am truely grateful for their help. But the ones that were bad has left me with an everlasting bitter taste for alot of that profession. So far I like the person that I'll be working with and am quite eager to have her help figure some stuff out. So I'm going to try and cronicle these sessions so that I can keep track of what's happening and be able to look back and utilize what I learn and keep things as fresh and present within my own skin.....so until the next time deana, keep you witts about you and know that you are doing what is a must to keep as close to the straight and narrow road of recovery....Keep the faith deana, think of this as another major step to merging your two selves into one......