Life, as crazy as it's been, continues day in day out

Seem to be a bit sick last night and today. Forced to be house bound but weather cold and somewhat snowy so really have nothing to do anyway. I've been spending a lot of time trying to be helpful to a friend that's having tremendous stress issues. Her poor mother is dying, her marriage is essentially over, there is another person from the past suddenly back in her life, there are differences of opinions within  the family on how to proceed with their mothers situation and with all this happening to her she still is trying to help me with my issues. I covered something very near and dear to me late last night and sent her my writings. I wanted to use this blog to talk it out with myself but this was not a proper forum to do it. It involved a long standing fantasy of mine that I've never spoken aloud and did not trust letting anyone else see it. This friend of mine I trust implicitly and very much value her very thoughtful and thoughtprovoking responses and was actually able to discuss it further with her. It was something that put me in a vulnerable, raw, embarassing and very sad place. Something suddenly made my headspace to fill with these thoughts and forced me to put thought to page in a very desparate attempt to keep me from succumbing to the very deep and dark place I did not want to go. Anyway after lots of talk and more understanding I'm in a much greater place tonight. Thankgod

However my friends troubles with this former person of interrest has stirred my own feelings, so deeply pushed away, back to the forefront again. I know there never ever could be any kind of connection made to her other than incridable friendship but I does not stop me dreaming and fantasizing about her. We've even have been joking and laughing alot about a possible face-to-face get together in the spring at the Toronto Pride Festival which I told her was at the top of my list of things to accomplish before illness makes it totally impossible for to enjoy the experience. I really don't expect she will actually ever be able to meet me because she lives so very far away. But it is kink of fun to think about it....Bottom line here is I have to stop allowing these feelings to affect me so. This kind of thinking will only serve to hurt me and probably damage my friendship. But I really can't say I'll be able to do this. She is so cute and funny and smart and full of loving compassion. And believe me, so much more.......O BOY I've really fallen hard for this woman.......