Oh God it's the Weekend - Not good with those

Another Friday nite and the weather outside is absolute crap. Nothing is planned as usual for this weekend but I'm going to work my very best to stay possitive and upbeat. I don't want a bad one as I'm just too damned tired of all that emotional turmoil. The kids are all busy with their lives, which is good for them but I'm sure I won't talk to them as much as I'd like too. Since I've finally got Kris firmly in a safe place I have so much more time and am concentrating on cleaning up all the things that I've neglected over the last while. Wednesday I visited my parents and yesturday I devoted myself to giving my home a thorough cleaning. As I am a very compulsive Neat Freek I had totally neglected this aspect of my live for nearly two  months. I did keep everything tidy though, I have to do that everyday as I have rituals for everything I do. I learned more about Obsessive Compulsive Disorder a couple of days ago (OCD). I exhibit a very large number of symtoms but never diagnosed as having it. The term I heard was OCT which many are refered to having (Tendancies) but not enough to be considered life affecting more just very repetative and frustrating. Well for me not cleaning in so long it really just shows how obsessive and addicted to Kris I'd become. I'd just so allowed myself to believe I was in love with her which I now fully understand was really me falling in love with wnating to be in love. I tried so hard to make things turn into a vision of my imagination. I so wanted to be loved and to love another but as always I tried to make something that just wasn't into something I wanted. Oh God, I haven't been able to break out of this pattern. I so want to but I just keep putting myself right back into it every friggin time....The good thing with this situation is that I'm acturally surviving and have not fallen apart. I like this so much better. I feel empowered by this and encouraged that I have reached a new level of maturity and responsibility....Keep up with this possitive outlook deana it certainly can't hurt you and may just be the beginnings of a turning trend for how I approach and handle intimate relations.....Go deana You Go Girl....