yesterday started out wonderfully nice with my heart and soul well within my happy place. Later that evening it was blown to bits and pieces. It's nobodies fault but my own. Once again I fell into another black hole, full of tears and sobs. As I had talked about briefly yesterday my friend floored me with some news I had no idea was coming. I immediately went into panic mode which for me can be detrimental to how I react. As so often before I say and do things that I regret. When typing out an ongoing discussion I don't have the added picture and voice to help guide me when I feel like this. So. once again, here I am at 2:40am trying to put words to something that's deep and painful. I am addicted to my friend. Like all addictions I've had experience with this one is more painfully obvious to me. My friend informed me that she is back with her girlfriend and that means we can't communicate like we have since her latest breakup. I so want to be the savior for her broken heart and to have discussions of the frequency with which we had. Now that she's back again within the relationship I once again started to feel abandonment. I don't handle these feelings well at all. So having said that I abruptly said that I was once again cutting myself off from further communication. With this being done I smoked my brains out then headed off to bed. Of course I couldn't sleep because my damned brain was going a mile a minute. I had to get up so I smoked some more. I wrote another note requesting that maybe she could contact me in a few days or a week from now. She has never contacted me before, it was always me contacting her - as I've said, classic addictive behaviour- She will not seen this request yet so it will be interesting to see how she reacts. I'm a little less upset now that I written about this. I know I said I would not talk about her in this new blog format but I had to. This was eating me up and I needed to get it out of me if I have any chance of sleeping tonight. Believe me I want and need to sleep. I know in a day or two I'll feel better and I have faith within me I will find and hold onto my happy place. Everyone needs a safe happy place. No needs nor wants a sad & painful unhappy place. So for now I'll end this diatribe and see what's in store for me in the morning.......until then may joyful dreams or no dreams fill my head. I've had enough, no more of this shit. I'm done with it and I so know that better times are ahead of me....Good night for now..................
So here I am on Canada at 3:40pm. I soon will be heading over to my brothers place for a Canada Day BBQ and am looking forward to it. I've had an eventful day so far with discovering that I've misplaced or lost my Cell Phone. I'm so bloody angry that I have done this. I've put a hold on number so if lost no one can find it and use to make chargeable calls on it. I've search hi and low in my Apt. but no luck so far. If I can't find the damned thing I'll have to buy a new phone. Another expense I can't afford. Oh well, story of my ongoing life.
I heard from my CSL contact to begin again on my Spiritual Journey and have conversed back and forth via email a few times this morning. She will be coming to Owen Sound next week and we are trying to find an hour to sit and talk. This is really exciting news for me. I finally will get the opportunity to actually meet someone face-to-face from the Church I so very much like. I think its the Universes way of trying to connect me even closer to the people I so desparately want to be involved with. She has also put me on receiving list of some very good spiritual postings of thinks to do to clean up my house and mind. So again, such unexpected progress is forthcoming for me. This is really some stuff that is helping back to finding my happy place again. YAHOO. I'm so grateful for all that is happening and am excited about where this will take me.
Also, my friend FB meet telling me she had a few minutes to talk on the phone. I wasn't expecting that but called her right away. Although difficult and awkward we talked through some stuff and clarified some important issues. She will make contact with me in a week or two as I had requested. I also said I don't mind her telling me about her girlfriend and her status in this relationship but maybe it would be best for me if she didn't provide quite as much information until I can figure out how to properly deal with it. We talked about CSL and where I'm at with that part of my life and she said that she would contact me if I could keep her boundaries with respect. She knows that a 15 minute conversation can turn into a marathon conversation with me because of my need to keep talking to her. I said I would respect her wishes on that and we ended the conversation on a much happier and solid grounding. I am also very grateful that we have come to this understanding. That we pushed past our anger and my hurt to reach the amicable conclusion we can both live with. So with that being now in a much better place we'll just have to, NO I'll just have to, hold up my end and respect these boundaries. My God knows that I'll do my very best to ensure that I don't fuck it up once again.
So with that I am happy to sign off with hope and faith that once again the Universe is trying so gallantly and not always gently nudge me in the right direction towards peace and harmony within my soul. Thank you Universe. I am trying and wanting to learn these lessons you put before me!!!
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