Were to begin? I'm not sure but I have to begin somewhere I guess. Today I'm remembering the Joy of seeing my new baby son for the first time. I had known for 6 weeks prior to his birth that he was a he but chose NOT to reveal this knowledge to anyone, most especially my Husband. I wanted him to experience the total joy of having a son to complete our family of two girls and a boy. Believe me when I say that I shocked all who knew me because I had never ever been able to keep secrets to myself for all of my life to that point. It was so wonderful being able to concentrate on my husbands face and to watch his reaction when my son was born. Watching the total wonderment and AWE on my husbands face was one of the most beautiful memories I have carried with me for the past 18yrs. My husband cried as he did with all of our kids births but I've always felt that a man having a son must be one awesome feeling. Today, 18ysrs later he and his Dad are inseparable friends and love each other very much. He will be heading off to Colledge and dorm life leaving an empty nest feeling for my husband. this coming Fall. This, I know, will be extremely difficult for my husband. I even worry a little about this because his whole life as a parent has totally occupied his thoughts.He will always be the first one the kids will go to with anything as I live so far away from them but my husband is strong and will survive as he's had to survive with so much grief in his life. As I've said so many times in the past that I love him dearly and only want for him to have the best of everything in his life. I hope he finds his peace in this life we live in.
As for the incredible meditation experience I had earlier today it was the most profound and wonderful experience I've felt to my core since I've begun meditating! I just floated as though above what I was experiencing and what I experience was all kinds of memories long since forgotten. I allowed all the thoughts to flow thru and did not get caught up with any one memory. It was wonderful and peaceful and happy. There was no negativity emanating just pure joy and bliss from all that I was seeing. What's more profound for me was it was not a guided meditation just music and tones flowing from ear to ear while listening with my headphones. I was able to sit upon the floor without leaning against something for the first time and when it was over I opened my eyes, took a long leisurely stretch and just sat there in a peaceful bliss. I have even remained calm and happy with my day so far. I'm so grateful sticking with these meditations as I am now so confident that really great and wonderful experiences will come from it.
As for my blog yesterday about my anguish over the path I chose to fallow even though I new so well that it was a dangerous place for me to allow myself to go. I'm not there anymore and have accepted that I did, why I'll never know, but there obviously had to be a reason that the Universe took me there. It is not for me to ask 'why' but to just accept it and to keep moving onwards with my Journey. Today, I'm happy and will eventually stop dwelling on it. It didn't even reappear within my Meditation today and for that I am so very grateful for.
I'm still smoking and just can't seem to want to stop. I am putting this out to the Universe to help me once again so that I can and will get back on track with this awful horrible addiction. I know I'm letting so many people down with continuing with this but I'm so very hopeful that I will succeed
with this. I just don't know when that will be.
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