Today has been extremely stressful. I awoke early so headed off to buy more cigarettes. God damned cancer sticks that they are but I knew that something very difficult had to be confronted and I was so scared about what the results would be. I meditated, unsuccessfully before the call to my husband. It was a very hard thing to do and I also knew that it would NOT be all roses and happy although I still had hopes that it just might be. Why do we do the things we do. Why do I do the stupid pain causing things that I do not only to myself but to the ones that I love or claim to love. Love for me has been an all consuming mystery. I really haven't experienced this phenomenom that so many others have.
I don't know how to approach this whole thing here but I know that I must. I need to see all these very painful thoughts put down in writing. I need to really digest it and figure out a way to proceed and find peach within myself. Peace right now is so very far from me. I must record my conversations with my husband and what I need to talk to my brother about when he returns from his vacation. I also need to talk about my friend in the states because I've promised myself and her as well that I will remain silent for the rest of her vacation. I also need to write out what I told her about my written conversation with her dearest friend back home. Just now I'm not ready but as the day moves on I'll keep updating as I feel ready. So I will be back sometime soon.......
Basically, after they death yesterday of my sons high school friend from cancer I was FB for a while with my husband to ensure that my son was OK. He assured me that although my son is very upset and grieving right now that only time will heal his pain but I know that my son is very strong within himself so I'm hopeful that he can and will ride through his grief with his friends. Anyway from the discusions I told my husband that there were things I needed to tell him. This morning I did tell himthat for a long while now I was enteraining deep thought about he & I riding through the last 1/3 of our lives togething, under one roof to eventually share in the birth of any future grandchildren together and be somewhat of a family again together. This conversation of course was preceded by me telling him again that I loved him and still love him and will always love him. I also talked a lot about my total sexual life as being pretty much non-existant and that I remembered so very clearly why I could not have any more sexual contact with him so very many years ago. I explained that the sex was always very painful physically as well as emotionally. I also told him that I never ever had ajoyful experience with him mor anyother man prior to my existence with him. I explained that I hated myself so much during those years that I was desperately grabbing at anything and everything to find peace and happiness which always was just out of my reach. This greatly influenced my desire to want a woman in my life. Women are more tender, more demonstrative, move giving of themselves than any man, other than gay men I've known within my very narrow life experiences. Paul was never this. He was uncomfortable with me wanting and needing to touch him constantly. He was uncomfortable with me wanting to hold hands or hug in public or within our own home.He was only comfortable with the sexual act itself but never held me or hugged me afterwords. Never was able to do much foreplay which I always took as a form of rejection. He would fall into a peaceful sleep right afterwards as I would stay awake for hours after feeling stress and unloved. He was never able to really say out loud that he loved me even though I knew he did. I needed to hear and feel these emotions from him and whenever I tried to express this too him he could not respond to me. Yes I've been a very pushy broad who resorted to angry outbursts when things didn't go the way I wanted them to go. So many emotions and angers quickly and painfully came to the surface during this first half of our talk. Also, I began to cry, at time totally uncontrollably which is something I've never ever been able to control. My emotions are never too far from my surface and often make is so damned difficult on my kids and on paul. This conversation eventually led to another difficult discussion which not only brought out anger but incredible guilt for me.....MONEY...our separation agreement stipulated that I had to pay $800 monthly for child support. When I still had an income from my place of employment for 24 yrs I had agreed to this. However, once the company I worked for went bankrupt I lost this income forever. Yes I did get a settlement after 5 yrs of fighting it is in no way what is was. I have not been able to pay my husband for a couple of years. He says that I am legally responsible for the back payment and continued payments until my youngest graduated from College. My brother says that I am not responsible. Someone is lying to me and I'm so fucking angry that this oes not seem to be getting resolved and put behind me. My brother is away on holidays so I can't t
discuss this with him until next week. Basically I calculated that I am owing abougt $20,000 in backpayments. I don't have money and probably can't come up with it. But I have to get this resolved somehow, someway. I'm so fucking stressed out that I'm afraid of triggering another landslide into depression which would not be good for anyone involved here. I just don't know how to deal witthis. I immediately began blaming Paul for not do things wisely once we split, financially I mean to stop again as I'm starting to cry again.....I'll recompose myself and continue soon.....
I'm just so disgusted with my life today I'm going to just briefly mention the other things that happened. I wanted to talk with my friend in the states but she just doesn't have the time while still there. I basically told her that it was not something for her to be concerned with and that I would suspend FB discussions and leave her alone. I did write to her saying that I had passed some sentences with her closest friend back in her home town but talked nothing of our history other than that I became friends when she first started on her journey to come out as a lesbian and her divorce. I am not ashamed of doing this because my only intent was to express to this other person that my friend had such caring and compassionate friends who are totally standing behind her...my friend has not commented on this and I really don't expect her to either. I told her that if she is curious or interested in the actual words I put out there. I told her because our friendship has been and is based on total honesty and I needed to honest about this.
I'm fighting hard with myself to not delete my friend totally from my FB page as I do want to somehow keep my friendship with her. We've been through so much during this past year but I'm struggling and I'm hurting badly. I will not do anything rash at this point and see how things go but I really don't have a lot of hope. I know if I do cut it off she will not try to reconnect because that is who she is even though she knows that that is NOT who I am.....I sure this sage will continue on tomorrow to some degree and I'll write down as much as I can remember because I need this record for my own salvation......
No comments:
Post a Comment