It's been a rough few days here but I'm pretty AOK though. I'm getting things in order for my husband or more accurately my brother is working very hard on my behalf. I know I certainly can't pay all of what I owe to my family but I will be able to pay a good chunk of it in the near future so I can begin to feel at least a little better about what I've done to my kids and husband. Both my husband and I have talked more about things but I did tell him to forget all of what I had attempted to do when all this mess started. I love him, I'm lonely and afraid of facing my future alone as well. By asking him if we could live together again to be a united front for our future grandchildren and our children I finally understood how much pain I had caused him. I was once again only really thinking of me and not him. This was so totally wrong of me and I told him not to give what I had asked any thought and that I was very sorry to even have brought it up.
Yesterday I did get out and did some volunteer work at the hospital but was so tired and sore that I really couldn't enjoy it. They weren't busy and the weather forecast was very grim so I headed out towards home but The weather got really dangerously bad just after I headed out. This area was under a tornado watch as was all of this part of South Western Ontario. Well I was never so scared in my life as to what was happening on this ride. Huge trees were falling all around me. The rain was so forceful it was stinging my eyes to the point that I could not see. I was trying hard to dodge flying twigs from the trees but didn't manage to avoid them all. I started to cry when the massive lightening began right over my head. The last bit I couldn't see from Crying, from the rain & wind, from trying to keep my scooter on the road and not being blown off into the forest along side of me. I really have to say I was scared shitless and totally soaked through everything to my skin. I did make it home and got cleaned up and slept in my chair. I awoke with an extremely painful neck and not move it at all without severe pain. What started out as a good day quickly turned into a horrible, scary and painful day. I guess it really just fit right in with how my life has been happening ever since I approached my husband. I should have just kept my damned thoughts to myself and I guess things would have been better..... Oh well, the saga of my life continues
As for today it's a beautiful windy Summer day with little humidity except for inside my apartment. My friendship with my American friend I believe is slowly coming to an end and I realize this although I wish it wouldn't end. It has to somehow as our lives are just so far apart now that maybe just an occasional conversation once in a while would and should suffice. I'll miss her terribly but I actually bother her way more than she would say and my needs from her friendship can no longer be supplied to me. I no longer have her on my FB but can still receive/send msgs to each other. Hopefully as my meditations deepen I will have the strength needed to stay away. At least that is what I'm hoping to have happen. Time will tell though......
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