Woke up at 9:30 and had to rush around to get ready for my Brother to come get me. He was due around 10am but finally got here about 11am. We headed out to buy a new copy of Norton Antivirous for my computer as the mine expires in a couple of days. We bought it and had it installed so I'm good for another year which makes me happy. Came home and did nothing for the rest of the afternoon. Dozed a bit and watched some boring stuff on the TV.
I've been really reflecting on some of the discussions I've had which Kris over the last few days and I know that I still want her friendship but am realizing or more so acknowledging just how different our lives are and don't know just were it's all heading for me. Maybe I'm getting ready to end it all. I haven't really solidified anything concrete with these kinds of thoughts but I know that I'm feeling more and more jealous of her life and where it's going for her and not for me. I want to talk to her more directly other than sending msg's back and forth about all this stuff going on in my heart but as always I'm afraid too. If I cut us off she will never come back and she is still angry about my unfriending her so much when I get upset and will not refriend me. This upsets me more than she'll really understand because I know she has never understood all of my issues about people and friends and how much I've really changed or am trying to change. This friendship, as hard has it's been and as used as I've felt by her can not ever be fully appreciated by one who's never suffered from anything more than trying to come out and leave a marriage that was bad and ill understood or workable completely by 2 adults from the beginning. I'm not letting this bring me down but I am really looking hard at it with both eyes wide open. I know too that I've never forgiven her for what she did to me so long ago now with loving me but not really loving me. It was both torture and humiliating for me with what I went through back then.
Again, nothing at all on for the rest of this day and really don't know if/ or when Kris might send another msg out so I'll just pass this time the best I can for now and wait and see what might happen
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