Another day of loneliness and isolation which is what my existence is here in Owen Sound. I so love my Apartment and this small little City. I love my Volunteer work and the people within these areas. I just hate the loneliness. I'm working on it but it's so bloody hard and often painful. I neglect cleaning, thoroughly cleaning, my Apartment. I sit for hours and hours looking at the damned boob tube and going out to smoke and smoke and smoke! I know all the things I must do to get back onto the proper path but I just can't bring myself to doing this. I have to do something and something soon because I know where this will end up and truly DON'T want to go there. I CAN'T GO THERE.
Finally Kris responded this morning and we sent msg back and forth. Not Many msg's but enough. She just plainly does not have the time I demand of her and can't continue feeling guilty about this and me. I know this and agreed with her. I just wanted my questions answered when I asked them. I was upset and cryed for little while before I sent her a reply suggesting/requesting something we had tried to set up a number of months ago when I got over demanding. I suggested that maybe once a week when she has more than a few minutes we could connect up and just chat about what's going on in our lives. She responded about a number of things but did not answer the specific request. Again I sent a replying asking her to answer the specific request. I probably won't hear back until tomorrow as she has a lot on her plate today, both work and fun stuff and that's OK with me. I can honestly say that that is OK. I don't want to lose contact but I know I can't handle my emotions from this. I know I am not yet strong enough to either pull away completely or stay in this place of pain and fear. I'm hoping that only once a week will keep things fresh and interesting for both of us. So that's where I am today...can't say where I'll be tonight or tomorrow but at least I have some volunteer work tomorrow afternoon and am looking forward to mingling with the staff and patients there. Wish me luck with this and keep telling myself that this will work and be so much more healthier for me.
I keep thinking I want to visit my parents but can't get myself to go. Maybe later on but just not right now. Called my brother to see if maybe he and I could spend a little time together, maybe go to a movie or something. He's on his way to Toronto to pick up his son who's just coming back from a conference in the states somewhere. My nephew is coming home for the weekend but I probably won't get to see him since I just saw him a couple of weeks ago. My brother will give me a call sometime on the weekend so we can try and get out for a bit together. I hope so. I just want to have some nice quality time with him alone. Have to wait and see how that turns out
I misread Kris's comment back to me. She does like the idea of communicating once a week or so. So wrote her back wishing her a good week and look forward to catching up when she has more time than just a couple of minutes to chat. I really hope this scenario works out because if it doesn't then the logical next step would be to end the friendship permanently. I so hope it doesn't come to that and at this point in time I don't think it will but I must prepare myself should I have to end it all.
Today I am grateful to being able to try and resolve it all with Kris and am grateful to her for trying as well. I grateful for the beautiful day and listening and hearing the birds and the motor boats zipping around in the water way down below my apartment. I am gratelful for the Universe trying to teach me and guide me through this latest difficult period. The Universe knows what's happening and why it needs to happen the way it has, I just have to stay out of my way and to stop to control it to make things turn out the way I so strongly think I need to. I have to trust. I have to have faith and I have to constantly keep my faith and trust strong and at the forefront of everything I think and do.
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