I got up at a fairly decent hour this morning looking forward to my Therapist appointment later on. I went out for a cigarette and fell hard to the ground banging my poor elbow rather hard on the cement. I couldn't get up for quite a while and when I tried I fell again and banged the same elbow again. Damn it I had to lay there on the ground and couldn't even pull myself up with my bloody cane. Finally I got up and made it back in only to crash down into my chair heavily. I should have seen by that the type of day I was going to be facing but of course I could not really imagine what she told me nor understand why as she was so firm in her not renewing her relations ip for some time but I was wrong.
Since I hadn't heard from Kris since the afternoon before and not over the night nor the morning I wanted to know what was up. I should not have asked. She spent the evening with her and some others, drank a fair bit and of course spent the night with her. I knew this is what she eventually wanted but I also believed her when she so adamantly and somewhat forcefully said not until after her divorce and all the challenging times she still had to face. I have finally reached believing that I really can't trust what she says because she keeps doing things she says she won't. lShe has not bothered to read my msgs to her today and she will most likely be spending all her time until her son returns home from California in a couple of weeks. Once again, she spends a lot of time discussing things with me until something ie Debbie steps back into her life then pretty much stops. This hurts, this makes me angry but more importantly this makes me feel used and to a degree abused. I have to I have to figure out how to continue this friendship which I DO want but not feel I'm being used or abused. I also know that she will adamantly deny any of this and not take on any responsibility in how it all affects me. I need her out of my life but I can't let her go. I'm too scared of doing this. Im to afraid of what it will do to my ability to keep holding on to my very fragile place I've fought so hard to get my session with Margo was really very good but and Kris said she couldn't wait to hear all about it but never got back to me at all today to ask so I only replied to that it was ok. I reacted like a spoiled little brat but not answering truthfully. If I could just shoot myself right now I would but I can't......FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK ...
I have to leave here I have to find some real live people to associate withl. It's like my old dog when he was a wee little put learning to walk ... 3 steps forward, 2 steps backwards....still moving but very very slowly and painfully. Thatsl were I am and I hate it FUCKING HATE IT ....
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