Was up to the hospital for 2 different therapy session. First was the 2 hour group therapy. Which I thought went kind of well. Although I did notice sort of that Margo was trying to get me to stop elongating what I had to say. I was aware enough that something was not quite right but too caught up in what I was talking about to stop and think about it as I should have. Was extremely impressed with Sues input to the group and actually started salivating with her totally wonderful description of making her cold Soup and so impressed that she was able to keep herself in the moment without allowing other thoughts and worries into it at all. God she has come so far. She is very insightful and very intelligent although she is not yet ready to acknowledge this in herself. She is so not the timid scared quiet unassuming woman that she was when she first came to the group the same day that I did. I am so blessed to have become her friend and she mine. Thank you universe for crossing out paths because for differing reasons we have so needed each others strengths and personalities to come so far as we have together through this long learning process. It has been a wonderful experience for me in so many ways and I just know it to has also been positive and rewarding for her as well.
Raced home, ate and played with Rocky before having to head back up to the Hospital to see Margo. Got there on time but Margo was quite late in seeing me. That was OK. I arrived OK and was both calm and prepared for what I needed to talk about. I brought it up right at the beginning to ensure we covered everything. Margo first talked to me about talking to expansively in group again. We discussed and come to an agreement how best for me to relearn this and also how Margo and Peter can help me to achieve these goals.
Talked about Kris and how I am having thoughts hit me suddenly and unexpectedly but I am allowing myself to breath through them and distracting myself until the feeling passes. This is working for me and as well I am staying away from looking at her FB page, Debbie FB page or anything that will trigger me to contact her. I want to oh how I want to but I am determined NOT to. I explained to Margo how I really want to know how she is feeling as I was involved throughout all her pain but I also know that it I do I will be right back to square one again with all the shame and guilt of failure that I know will come with contact. I also expressed that both my girls are very skeptical as I have said all this shit before and went right back. I have decided to not bring her up in any conversations for at least 3-4 months to ensure I can and will tell them where I am at at that time. They really do not need to hear me talk about her and it will only serve me to keep her in the forefront of my mind anyway.
We talked about where I am at regarding my move home. What I have been doing, what I have planned on paper of what I need to do. Glen keeps sending me emails of thoughts he comes across and maybe what I should do. I have so far been able to tell him I have it already written on my lists of what and when to do them etc. I am very proud of what I have committed myself to doing and will damned well do it and only ask glen for his involvement when he needs to be involved. Nothing more, nothing less. Told Margo that come hell or high water I will succeed at doing this and seeing it through to completion and beyond. I must, I will. I promise this gift to myself.
We talked about how I have been hit a lot with feelings surrounding transgender and feelings that I missed the boat on something that may have or not have greatly changed the direction of my life both day to day, sexual, connections, friends etc. We really talked about this and that answers to that will never ever be known. How I so deeply at times think about all that. How much I detest being a girl then a woman. How much I just hate being a woman and all the female things a woman has to go through and endure. How I had really really for the first time this past spring wanting to feel and look feminine. How ML tried to help me find a dress, a summer dress, to wear at home. Not out in public but at home. I have not had these kinds of feeling very much and definitely not in the last 30 years or so. It went away when we could not find a suitable summer print dress. And this has not come back since the spring. Just very weird coincidence that the ultra feminine feelings followed so closely by wanting to think about transgendered candidate. Margo made me see something that did not once enter my mind. I would most probably could not be a possible candidate due to my many chronic illnesses. Kind of struck me in a funny kind of way since I never once even considered that as a show stopper. Weird feelings, really strange that I never even entertained that as being a blocking scenario.
We discussed why we had agreed to a 6 wk break. Actually 5 wks. She felt I needed to see how I would cope. She knew I could but I thought I could but really did not trust myself. I did approach her when I lost Krim and then Rocky but what she did in that brief discussion we had was remind me of a couple of things and make a suggestion or two of how to get thru it. That was really all I needed to hear from her. A f words of encouragement, a few words of how to cope best boosted my self confidence back to a place that I had temporarily lost. I did it, I managed myself OK, I got my precious Rocky back safe and sound, I have not succumbed to wanting to contact Kris, I working onmy move and I am happy and confident today, tonight and will strive for that confidence and happiness tomorrow as well.
There is so much gratitude within these paragraphs for so many individuals. I am full of gratitude it is felling like it is oozing out every pore of my being. And that dear Deana is what it should be doing.
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