The weather is cooler today but not too bad. Rains are forecast for later on and for next 4 days or so. I I had nothing scheduled today so just sat around doing nothing much of anything. This I don't like because I like to have at least something to get out without spending much money and hopefully none. Oh well, it is what it is. At least I have Rocky to help me get through these kind of days. We play a lot and I laugh a lot at his crazy antics. It's fun and funny. He's seems to have chosen his favourite place to hang. He loves the back of my love seat which backs up against the living room window facing the forest (25' away). He gets a birds eye view of everything that's happening out there. I'm so happy he's found a position that makes him content and happy. He's really become my family and I his. What a joyful feeling for me.
I sure hope that Kris responds to the last and final email I just sent. Part of me, a big part just doesn't want to lose her friendship but a much smaller but more important part of me does because I know it's the right thing to do. But shit I just can't keep trying. She has most likely already chosen it to be over completely and is enjoying not having me bug her anymore anyways. But I am making my decision to walk away reluctantly as of today. I will not try to cling to any possibilities. If she responds then we'll see what is the next step. But as of this minute (2:35pm) I resolve to keep my promises to end this and tough it out. I know as time passes the urges will begin to fade as will all the memories. It's just the next couple of months will be the hardest. I have to enact all the practises of a recovering alcoholic as I know I Kris is a bad addiction gone out of control. I've beaten addictions before and I can beat this one too. I will persevere, I will succeed, I will recover. I know I'm recovering a good bit already and find peace and joy on the good days but addicts, live everyone else, have bad days too but it the determination and skills are there they pass returning one to better times and days. I want those days. I want them so badly.
I talked with Glen briefly and asked if I could take him and Kathy out for a stake dinner this week or on the Weekend. I obviously had to invite Kathy too but really hope that she decides not to come. It would be so nice to just do the sister/brother thing together. I know I sure would like that. Glen of course is not allowed to make any decisions by himself. That is the control my sister-in-law has always had over Glen but that's his choice so I have to leave it alone and accept it even when I don't really want to. Glen also mentioned that my investments are doing pretty well for the time being but of course that could change rapidly depending on the economy. At least they are not dropping at this point in
I decided that I want to go and buy speakers for my computer with relatively good stereo sound help with my meditations. I took a look in my wallet and realized the $60 I thought I still had was spent yesterday. There is only $5 left. Guess that's my sign from the Universe that I really don't need to spend my money on this right now. I will have to get to the bank tomorrow though to ensure I have some money to get me through to next week. Life is so damned dependant on the almighty dollar and when you don't have it, it can bring you down pretty quickly. But what I want right now I know I do not need, it is only a desire to have so the feeling will pass and I'll just keep moving through the rest of my day.
I'll see just what the rest of this day has in store for me if anything at all. Around 7pm got motivated to go through all my files and clean out what is no longer needed and filed away pictures and things that have been hanging around all over the place but not frames. That file is huge and will someday put all of them in a photo album, Sent a msg to Quin with the hopes of Skyping with him later this evening. He's really busy but will try. If not maybe another day as I am feeling lonely to hear his voice and see him.
I'm grateful for the leisurely day and grateful for Rocky's presence today with me. I am grateful for Kelsey's few words to me and will try to contact Tobie later this evening but I know she's working tonight as well. I grateful to be alive, happy and pretty much content with everything in my life these days and this is a good thing.
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