Sunday March 28/15 We Never know what any Given day will present itself to us!

Another weekend has now come and gone. This week has been good but with many black periods that have both hurt and frustrated me immensely. My scooter seat had to be completely removed from the chassis. A new one will be send to the local Huge pharmacy to replace the broken one. I'm told I might get the damned thing back by the middle of the coming week. I have been stuck inside this place without it. I know I definitely don't like it one bet. I'm essentially forced to stay in my room as I'm having a very hard time adjusting to living again with ailing senior, very senior, individuals. At least I have my Rocky to help pass the time with. I'm eating 3 square relatively good meals a day here but this has also proven to be a big problem for me. My sugars daily are going between the low 2's and very high 20's. I can't accurately Carbohydrate count if I don't know what the carb content is almost all foods served. If this kind of wide fluctuation continues I know I will end up either unconscious or the hospital with Ketoacidosis. Neither of which I want to have happen to me. This is also causing me to be overly sensitive and scarily weepy. Too many bad things happening and very, very hard to cope with sanely and properly. At least today I was able to have a private discussion with the Director of Care and she has promised me she`ll have the manager of food services come speak to me. Hopefully this will happen tomorrow as It does need to be quickly figured out how together we`ll attack and manage this potentially critical situation on my health. Added to all that stress was a situation that I knew I needed to face head on for a while now. This being just were and how our friendship was affecting me. I was feeling disrespected. Our boundaries the we carefully had established were not being much of a guide. I was feeling that she no longer had much interest in really making much of an effort to talk in real time. We were no longer having the kinds of discussions that held much interest to her. I know I`ve always been much more vested in the friendship than she has but I began to feel more and more like a irritation to her and her ever expanding life. I have always felt like a dirty little secret kept totally out of her life with her friends although I had always introduced her to friends of mine. I kept is tearless and only slightly let it be shown how sad and teary I really felt. Kris, of course never tears up or at least hasn`t much unless it was during the year and half during the divorce. Funny sort of since she reached out to me, a total stranger, to find out how I had remained friends with my husband when our kids were small and we separated and I faced the reality of my being gay. We had so many similarities. However, we have many differences in how we define true meaningful lasting friendship. You know the mutual giving and taking with respect and honesty through both good and bad times. Her time is growing with beauty and self discovery as mine was also. But now mine isn`t so much with this fucking major transition in my life: New home, old City, grown children being back in my live but more difficulty with me being back in theirs, figuring out new and workable boundaries for all concerned. coming to painful realization that Paul is no longer my friend like I`d always fooled myself into believing (This hit home suddenly with me earlier in the week). And today facing another friendship that was but no longer can be. It`s been a bitch of a month and I should have been so much more aware of these potentially life altering changes but damn it I WAS NOT OR DIDN`T ALLOW MYSELF to think of all these things being so wrapped up and falling apart preparing for the actual move itself. I`m getting to damned old and too damned sick to keep dealing with this crappy life of mine. It feels like everything I`ve worked so hard on over the past 14 months to change my life for the better is only changing it for the worst. Losing my great therapist, losing good friends, losing my Brother and My Parents. losing some great work opportunities that I loved, losing the Artistic culture I was immersing myself in and so many more things I`m just too tired and sad to bring up here in my Journal. I know I have many reasons to be very sad and upset about but also know I can`t dwell on this too long or I will begin again a descent down into the deep dark tunnel of depression. The trick I guess is to find some kind of balance between all this ship and also hope that some nice things or people will cross my path in the near future to bring back my confidence to a level that is not bottomed out as it is tonight. I`m having a hard time to identify what I am grateful for today and I suppose it`s OK to not be too grateful right now. I now I will eventually get back to giving thanks to those that help me when I need help but it hurts me to realize that I just can`t feel the gratitude tonight. I know if I don`t feel it I can`t feel happy. Tonight I`m not happy but at least I only cried hard for a very brief period of time when I said good bye to Kris and broke the Skype session off No tears since then and for that I am grateful for.