Later Sunday Evening the unexpected shook my Soul

I spent the evening waiting to Skype with Kris. I got pissed and demanded that she at least send me a msg to confirm if she would call. I wrote some not terribly nice things but mainly wanted her to confirm yes or no to Skyping me so I could move on with my evening and prepare for bed. Well she did Skype and it turned into a really bad and upsetting hour for both of us but mainly me. I hurt today but accept once again that the right decision was made by me to try and move pass Kris and fade her into my memory bank. Here is what I msg'd to her late last night after I called myself so I could write without anger or accusation. She has not responded back and probably hasn't read what I had to say which doesn't surprise me as she often never responds thinking it is any angry response to the discussion last night and termination of the call. Oh well 'it is what it is' 5/17, 10:44pm I get it now that you have been honest with me Kris. I drain you, you leave our conversations feeling down, feeling I've guilt ed you into talking with me, u feel I am always the one that makes our conversations so bloody long and stressful. I get it but it has not always been me it has been u as well Kris and deep down you must know this as much as I do. Maybe we are toxic for our friendship and I must admit to myself that probably this is so. I'm sad and full of tears as you saw before we disconnected that very difficult session. I get that you want to be my friend but I also get that you bring the worst out in me and that's isn't so good is it. You know I have had extreme difficulty letting go of having you in my life Kris. And I suppose nothing will be much different now either but I will try to let u go. It's really sad that I won't get to meet your love eventual lover Barb. She sounds so sweet and good for you, not like Debbie was. But, andI right now, I am hating the phrase 'it is what it is' but I'm smart enough to know that it truly is. I thank you for your complete honesty and I really wish you were the one to say the friendship is finished, it's run it course and it's time to put it behind us for good. But alas that is not the case is it. I will do my upmost best Kris to leave you and your very busy life alone. Wish me luck and pray that I can be successful with this. Have a good and happy life with Jack, Barb and all your many good friends. Yes I will think of u often and how you are doing but I won't bother you anymore with my behaviours, my emotional outburst my tears and fears. Just know Kris th at I love and loved you very much over the years and I am very sorry to have been this constant energy drain on you life. I never meant to be that and I guess now it would be fair to say I am who I am and it is what it is. I send you a hug for the good old times we shared together and even the bad times as well. Namaste Kris Just like my verbal diareaha my written words are no less oyee gooey either. It wouldn't be me otherwise eh BYE my dear friend if u could pls send a brief msg saying that you read this so I'll know and not wonder. Thanks Yes I am very shakened and sad about what happened and I will try extremely hard to honour us both and stay away from contacting her. Knowing all to well I have failed at this numerous times in my past. I have asked and prayed that the Universe intercedes and guides me gently through this horrible time amidst all the other difficult things I will be facing this week which I have written extensively in this Journal about. I hope and pray that nothing else goes terribly wrong in my life this week. Farewell Kriss you will be missed by me