Tesday March 19/14

I'm feeling pretty good today. Didn't really do so much but I watched a bunch of romantic movies. I just felt the need to lose myself in these stories while watching absolutely gorgeous woman playing the main characters struggling with figuring out who they are and more importantly what they really want out of love and life. It's the romantic in me and I too have been trying to figure out some of this stuff as well. The only thing I'd have really enjoyed better is if they had been lesbian leads but it still works for me when it's Heterosexual characters. You see I do like men very much I just don't like their physical and emotional characteristics. I know what I want to find in this life but what I don't know is how to get it. It's such a mix-up of reality vs. fantasy that I have had to struggle with for so very long and disasterous results with either sex that has me so scared and anxiety filled. This part of my life has been so fucking hard for me to deal with and has damaged me so deeply I figure I will never be able to find someone. I have so little faith in myself, so mamy fears that I know all to well is that I am and have always been my own worst enemy. I just don't get why I have always been this way. Maybe because I have always believed or wanted to believe in the 'fairy tales' of my novels that that is what real life should be like. I'm smart enough to know that life is gritty and hard and true love means having to work hard to get through the rough patches of which there are many but knowing what I've learned from wonderful therapy that I always run when things get difficult for me. Running is easier than sticking around to fight for what I deserve and want. I know now what this fatal flaw of character in me is called, BPD and I have learned many great 'tools' to help me deal with emotional stuff BUT as for getting near to another woman in any romantic way with confidence and self esteem us something I've never had experience with and am so terrified of it that I don't think I'll ever be able to be successful. This scare me so much. I am polarized by the possibility of spending all my life alone. Never feeling the warmth and intimacy of another human being. Sorry I digress here as I often do so I'll stop my little pity party for today. I did have a very successful meeting with the Executive Director of the home here this afternoon. She has agreed to arrange to have my apartment painted with that beautiful soft yellow I like. My apartment will brighten up so much once this is completed. I will take down all my pictures before Ed comes to paint and she believes he'll do it over 2 days sometime in the near future. I am so very happy about this as I really thought they would not approve this for this particular apartment for another couple of years YIPPY!!! The next few days are going to be very difficult and sad but I will get through it. There will be lots of tears shed on both days without any doubts