Another beautiful day....

Another lovely Indian summer day. A bit chilly but absolutely clear, bright and most of all NO WIND. Ventured out early this afternnoon to visit mom and dad for a bit. Mom & I had a really good discussion about how I'm feeling. How I'm coping with my loneliness and issues aound my sexuality. I talked to mom about the things that are floating around in my head these last few weeks. I told her about my blogging and having these candit conversations with/within myself. I told her that I seem to be circulating around the notion of actually not being gay although I discovered I did/do love every aspect of a womans most incredable body and soul. But I'm NOT heterosexual because I most definately hade anything physcal with a man. I never have been a manhater like many lesbians I've gotten to know over the years. I like guys just not that part of a guy. So where does this leave me. As I said to my mother kind of tentatively that maybe I'm more of an asexual person. Maybe that's why I'm so uncomfortable in persuing a woman a little more agressively. Maybe I'm just too nervous about getting the point of having to perform. I know what I want to say here but am having difficulty with actually putting the words to paper (so to speak). Is it really that important for me. I now have  embarked on this part of my Journey. I just don't know what comes next. What I should do. Justaccept this and kinda flippintly say and accept the phrasing 'It is what it is'. I don't know if I can do this. I crave and want and need intimacy in my life. I just don't know how to achieve it. but OH GOD I WANT IT....where is this heading. I wish I knew....What I do know is that I very very scared.These are new thoughts and I don't know just how I'm going to be able to accept this type of thinking. is it going to push me to the edge, maybe even over it? Am I going to be OK? I just don't have any answers right now and that scares me some.....Tomorrows another day with new thoughts and activities....This issue isn't going anywhere and I'm NOT going to let it overwhelm me. I will have to get some perspective and work through it with deep thought and mature action (or inaction)...Keep your faith Deana...The end of the world has not yet confronted you. I have faith in you and I know you are more ready and able than ever before to deal deana.....I love you...I have respect for you....I'm here for you.....We WILL do this together...keep remembering that you're not alone, not isolated anymore, not a freak nor an abnormality of life.....FAITH - Keep it close !!!