My mind and soul have been so ambushed with thoughts of indecisions and anquish over the weekend that I can't take it anymore. It's way to frustrating and potentially so damned destructive that I've made up my mind on how I'm planning to handle this and conduct myself accordingly... Here is how we've decided to cope with this weird problem of our. We've reached out to someone whom we trust and value what she has to say and listened intently to what she thinks. I had asked her for a kind of help with this struggle but she was honest and direct by telling me it was something that I alone had to come to my own truth whatever that may be. I really already knew this answer but wanted someone else to tell me what to do and how to do it. Even more confusing and frustrating. I've never liked taking on and handling responsibility for myself. A character flaw I've been aware of since I was a very little girl and am now only dealing with in a much more mature and capable way. Progress I know but still very difficult for me to actually accomplish on any ongoing day and situation. This blogging has and is the best method that I've ever taken on to battle these inner deamons. I really am believing in the power of self discovery and awareness it's afforded me. The resulting benefits I'm feeling every day are more than 'proof of the pudding' I've been brewing. Big, very big words deana to admit to out loud to yourself and any others who might actually read this. Not many, if any at all, but just putting the thoughts hear is huge for you deana. Be proud of your accomplishments...there will most definitely be more coming somehow, someday....Anyway here is how I've decided to deal:
I not going to deal at all. I know without any trepidition that I can and maybe one day will love another woman. That I will never know how I'll be able to react towards another human being until it comes my way. I have to accept, but may sometimes faulter, that fate and only fate will intervene when such a person is put before me. I have to stop wishing for something while doing nothing myself to move my life forward. I have to accept my tears of loneliness as they come, sometimes frequently and sometimes not, for what they are. Just lifes way of helping me cope and to remind me of the kind of work I have to keep doing for and within myself. I can choose to live life lonely and alone if that's what I really want to do, which I don't or I can choose to live it in the best possible frame of mind as I can by learning and doing things that will ultimately keep me happy and the 'lite' where I truely want to be. Life could end tomorrow for all I or anyone else knows and I want to live happy and free and giving as I can possibly be until my end comes, whenever or where ever that might be......
Just keep on truckin deana....trust that your decisions are valid and have meaning and you'll be fine. I have trust in you ,... now you keep building the trust in yourself.......
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