spiralling down into the vortex of depression

God why am I so stubborn and stupid at times. It's always the same thing. Trying to do something with expectations of having different results but knowing that the same old results never change. A saying harking back to my days of being deeply involved with AA. I've been experimenting with depression pill reduction and was hoping and half expecting good results even though I shouldn't. My doctor tried to explain this to me when we last talked about it. He is supportive of my trying but has his doubts about it's success. Why did I just not agree with him. Why do I always think I can control what goes on in my head and mind. Why do I always things are going to turn out differently. Why am I stubborn about all this stuff. Why do I keep coming back to the same stuff over and over and over. Why...Why....Why is the one truest question that keeps coming back to haunt me. Why can't I just accept and forget about these issues that only serve to screw with me into such tight wads of unreality...WHY WHY WHY.... I just can't answer this and I know I never ever will be able to clearly define it....JUST STOP IT DEANA....For the love of God JUST STOP....oh I know and feel that I'm in the throes of a slowly now but very possibly rapid sinking disgusting horribly painful tear filled state of mind moving toward the ominous cliff top that I have gone to before. I can't go there. I won't go there. I have to go back to my full med prescription right away, today...now even. But I also know it will take the same amount of time to begin taking affect as it did to stop affecting me. These are the days that scare me the most. The transition days. I had no inkling my thoughts would take me here today when I woke up. Thats the thing with depression. There is no real warning, no subtle nudging just BAM you're there and lost and scared and shaking with anguish. I HATE IT .... DETEST IT.... AFRAID OF IT'S CONTROL OVER ME...especially a person that has always reacted so angrily when loosing control and independance from anyone or anything. The truest form of a catch-22 situation I could ever place myself in. The most anger indoucing thing is is that I do it to myself. Always trying and expecting new and different results but painfully knowing and experiencing the same old never ever changing old and very destructive ones.....It's this behaviour that had kept me so trapped and so destructive throughout my life....no matter how far and how great I create change I always end up right back in this cesspool....At least what's different than any other time in my life is that I've now learned to write about what's happening while it's happening...methods and actions carved in stone for me to look at if, no be realistic here, WHEN it happens again. I can and will find these words to help me muddle through and refind that brite wonderful like I come to love and charish. I have faith in us deana. Keep telling us we'll be good, we'll find the path, we'll work together to get there....I know it and you know it therefore we as one know it like never ever before. Enjoy and even bathe in this knowlege and new awareness deana....we both truely know it's what's going to ultimately save our lives and our souls......great words to live by....BELEIVE IT !!!!!!!!!!