Thinking about so many things maybe good maybe not !!!

Don't think I've blogged much over the last little while. Really not too sure as to what the 'why' really is, I know I've been pretty happy and all that but I guess I seem to want to write more when things aren't so right. I don't even know if that statement is the truest one I can express. I just don't really  know. Maybe that's what's bothering me. Wanting to have concrete specific answers for every friggin thought that impassively passes through my consciousness. I'm gussing here but since I've began this journey of converations with myself I'm finding that I've benefited emotionally and in understanding myself so much more than ever before. Wierd? Crazy? Wishful or Fantasy? This is becoming more and more dominent within my core being. Sometimes I wholely believe in this but other times I start buying back into my thoughts of the past disbeliefs or hogwash. This is sometime a painful conflict and at other times it can actually be quite commical. I have and certainly am going through many emotions. I'm finding myself sometimes teary and isolated other time happy and quite celebratory but one thing is for sure. I never know were these writings will take me. I may start off with a specific intent then suddenly find myself talking about a thought or action or emotion that has absolutely nothing in relation to my original intent. This scenario has not been isolated to just a couple of occasions. At times I've really freaked myself out or dropped into sudden enotionally painful places within my head. I get scared. I get uncertain. I get self-doubting. But other times I get really bolstered, really happy. I move into a place of peaceful quietude that I've never really felt before. These are quite conflicting feelings. These conversations I have with myself I truely know are a good tool to help me stay present with myself as well as with others but can and are very isolating. These are conversations I so desparately want to engage in in face-to-face, one-on-one honest and pure revelations to another caring, loving woman. I keep coming back around to this same theme. Wanting and needing the intimacy of another warm caring human being within my life. When I let myself I cry with feelings so deep and so frail that I can't stop it for long difficult periods. My self esteem dwindles to just about nothing, my confidence within my soul painfully suffers. I start to loose what love I have gained and nurtured within and the goddammed nightmares begin to swirl viciously within. At least I have gained to ability to stop this behaviour but the fears have never totally been irradicated from within. Wow, my mind is deffinitely flirting with pain and way out there stuff. Could this be happening because it's the weekend blues and not talking or seeing anyone for awhile. Or could it be related to my hormones since I'm about 10 days or so from the unwelcomed monthly curse. Or could it be related the the hardships being faced by a friend who's heading for divorce. God is the only one who knows for certain what's going on with me. I do know for certain that I have to interract with others soon so that I can get out of this type of wierdness and soon. I have some stuff on tomorrow that should help. I need to put this blog to rest because I'm feeling very uncomfortable with were it's gone tonight....Deana, keep yourself together - don't go to where you know is a bad place tonight - Let's just hug ourself and ride this out - you and I both know it's doable and can/will be taken care of....until We can talk openly again, I love you deana, we are becoming compatable friends. This is becoming your reality so keep your faith.......