My rollercoaster just CRASHED & BURNED

My life is shit right now. Painful rotten lousy fucking SHIT. My health is very bad and am experiencing pain like I haven't in a very long time. My love for the girl I've referred to as my Soulmate is no longer to be. I knew  something was going on yesterday afternoon. Prior to that we were experiencing stuff like I've never ever before experienced with great fun, joy and laughter. She gave me the gift of self pleasure an not just this morning I climaxed for the very first concious time in my 53yrs of life. She was totally responsible for this. I wrote her and was speachless in my attempts to let her know the magnitude of it all. The magnificance, the ecstacy of it all for me. up until mid afternoon yesterday I was dreaming of her next fantasy she was to plan for us but somethings started to happen ever so slowly, painfully slowly that as of about an hour ago (1:30pm) I knew but I had no fucking way of knowing just how horrible things were going to be. She loves me, she really says she does and I believe her but she fianally faced her fears head on and contacted by phone her first true love from 16 years ago. She finally read her a letter she had written to herself last week and recieved the response she always wanted from this woman but never ever got. This woman did not run from the call but listened to what was being spoken. It was the true confessions of Kris's (the one I love) love for this other woman then and now. Tears were shed between both and Kris heard the words she had wanted to hear. Quite simply put the love had always been there and is still there to this day. Kris being the honest person she is needed for me to know this and she told me. Told me everything. I tried valiently at first to understand and to be brave, be logical, discuss it thoroughly and totally honestly. But the cracks started to shake and the tears strarted to come. I know Kris has a calling and is so coming from love and needs everyone else to see and understand what she sees but FUCK LIVE DOESN'T always follow the path she desperately wants and needs everyone else to see. No matter what when a love is so suddenly, so abruptly cut out from one who has no conscious idea it's about to end one has nothing left to be hurt, to cry, to sob and be angry. Even though deep within my soul I new this would end this way. I at least thought it might not come to this for months but SHIT it did and I feel completely devasted. Completely abandoned so totally alone with my mounting grief. The weather outside today is so befitting the mood I've been thrust into. Wildly windy, noisey and thrashing things about, the trees swaying every which way about and noisy so incredibly noisey. Well that is a great depiction of how I feel. Black, deep, hurt all of it. I know everything is gone and will never be same the again. I cry harder. I know my fantasies, wonderful and fulfilling they were, gone. I cry more tears still harder. I know I'll have to tell my family, friends it's all gone. They'll worry about how I'll cope. My dreams, my pleasures, my hours and hours of talking with her. So suddenly silent and knowing my loneliness will again consume my every waking hour. I so knew this was possible right from the beginning but chose to ignore the obvious and continue with this 'fake' love affair because it felt so right and wondrous and new to me. The silence but for the thrashing wicked wind pounding at my door is so deadly quiet. I want to smoke. I want to drink. I want to get out of here. Run as far away from every one and everything I can. But, of course I can't and I won't. Do I want to quit this. YES. Do I want out. YES Will I check out, dim my lites. NO I WILL NOT. I CAN'T. I have to sit here and rock back and forth and do nothing. I will cry and sob more, I will have to take her carefully placed pictures down, I will have to forget the dreams I allowed myself to form dim and fade away. But not today. I HAVE TO GRIEVE AND BE ANGRY. At her, at me, for some time. I have to start backtracking on everything I did and said about or for her. No her and I, no her, just I again, me, myself and I so alone, always was alone and will probably end up dying some day alone....There is a wish I'd like her to honour for me. I'll never know if she will but I wish her to honour what I truely meant to her, truely her with and houour herself with what she helped  me with is to tell Mini about me. Who I was. That I am a real human being who was learning to live by her own heart and needs. I need to have validation. I can't live with the thought of being cast aside and forgotton. I know that Kris would never forget me but I need her to tall another of personal importance and love to know of my existence. Other than her safe and insular therapist and mybe another really knew that I played such a significant part in her Journey. She may or may choose not to tell Mimi this but I'd like to think that her heart would help her to do this for me. I'm tired and know I'll have other thoughts and feelings but for this very long long sad day I think I've sait enough.