I aI am in total AWE that I survived my very public Crash and Burn of yesterday

HOLY SHIT. The last day and a half is what catastrophy and survival is all about. At least it is for me. To run the gambit from total peace and joy to compete horror and destruction is one thing. One life altering suicidal inducing mental brakdown kind of thing within minutes from a place of all consuming peace and joy and love is hard on ones soul, so very very fucking hard. At least for me Its hard to cope with. And cope is something that I don't do well at all with. As I said yesterday I so completely and so totally shutdown within minutes of comprehending the situation that I went into such a divide and destroy mentality that bordered on manic. Yes manic is a good descriptive word here. I very methodically set about destroying any and all connections that I had with Kris. It was swift but methodical, it was thorough and without thought of consequence. I informed, very publicly that I'd loss this love and everything she stood for. For me. I had failed again. I collapsed into such gut wrenching sobs that I couldn't breath couldn't think. I became totally paralyzed. For me when this happens I run and run so fucking fast from logic or understanding. I run from fear and disbelief. I run to some unseen unknown place to try and secure myself. I run from failure and by trying to be stoic and brave while at the same time knowing I'm not I try and find that place the I can never find. That peace I want. Well after the implosion of my soul I started to calm and the time between rounds of crushing and uncontrolable tears began lengthening. I discovered that OK start to analyze deana and try to figure out what and why this caos was happening to me yet again. Try to see why I keep allowing myself to to go to these bad places within...Of all that I trashed there was one little portal that would not disappear no matter how hard I tried to reach out to Kris and sometime later in the day I did that and she responded immediately. I told her I needed some clarity on some things and that I needed to get it ASAP. She was eager to comply. She was desparate to know that I had 'heard' everything she had said to me through her own tears. I finally was hearing her desparation. I was finally listening to her outside of myself and my grief. I started to allow myself to acknowledge that I was not alone in this that she was hurting just as badly as I was. I started to want to listen, really listen to her that I needed to 'hear' her...so we set a time to talk. My God, when we started we entered into one of the most all consuming discussions. We both listened to the other. We both expressed so exquistly soulfully were we were at and what had happened. I finally heard, truely heard, what she so desparately tried to tell me earlier. I did not shut down. I stayed right there in the moments with her. Our discussions headed so deeply into our souls and discoveries were revealed about each that just kept illuminating everything. A level of pure intimacey and trust and discovery like no other ever discoved before. And believe me this connection we have to and for each other has reach many levels oh higher power learning and understanding before and as we travel through each of them together this bond of love, friendship, spirituality, understanding, depth, possibility and so so much more is nothing absolutely nothing that I can come close to comparing. My olive branch I reached out for her to grab was grabbed and so beautifully pulled that I gloriously saw the light and felt the warmth that was there for me to absord. So we are not broken as I thought we were. We are not adrift from each other as I so vehemently tried to do. We are deeper and stronger and happier with were we've landed because where we landed is so much better than before. Things from deep within were talked  about. Spiritual things that had been alluded to in our past but never really delved into were so thoroughly talked about. More discoveries of similarities of our past expereinces  became clearer. It became a marathon of hope and fears and love and desire for living a life of love and understanding. We talked via phone, cyberspace for countless hours and hours. As I said - a marathon. I have actually risin from the deep abysmal depth of despair to a place higher so much higher and happier than I was before this crash. So fucking unberlievable. Incredible. Wonderful. Awesome and WOWing. Theres more much much more to these last 2 days that I want, no real y NEED to express but I have to do it slowly and I will do this but not just this moment. I need to allow myself the 'me' time to absorb and analyze and and feel all the significances of this most amazing most incredible connection that exists between this woman Kris and I. The depth of friendship. The love we share the power we reciving from each other is at times breathtaking. All I know about anything for sure is that I can not lose or throw this phenomenom away. I can not lose Kris. I need Kris. This connection neither understands but knows can never be lost or taken for granted has to must be kept and nurtured and our journey together must continue so that we both continue to thrive and grow and love and give and receive all that the universe has to offer. I know I sound mushy and wishful but I can't express it all with mere words. I know I feel that something so much more powerful than me is behind all that has, is and will continue to happen. I would stake my life on this and I so believe that this force is God or the Universe and they plan that is for me and my existance...on this I stop for now but certainly for good. Theres so much more to my life and existance and I know I have to keep writing about it and writing and writing. Holy Shit as I said at the start holy fucking awesome ... WOW