wow strange thoughts running in my head....I'm beginning to know what a mistress must feel like. Strange. I know the emtiness feelings of longing and need and hours of lonliness waiting for a glimpse or a call or a note of some sort to know there is that connection that is so wanted. An afternoon filled with nuggets of clarity that may or may not be wanted....I wonder how long I'll be stuck in this twilight kind of reality. I welcome some but most certainly want to ignore most. I'm slowly, ever so slowly struggling towards something but just what that might be still maddenly eludes me. Maybe I already know but am fighting tooth and nail against it's acknowledgement. I started out this morning mushy and still am to some degree but deep within this lonliness is a saddness that is profoundly paralyzing and upsetting. How long should I let this keep going. I know the end result. How long do I want to let myself be in a place that I know will ultimately hurt or maybe even destroy me. I love what we have, I love the fantasy of being in love. I love the gifts u give me and keep giving me. I don't want to loose those. But this distance, these miles and miles of space isn't going to go anywhere. It's a constant that prevents us from touching. A distance that really will keep growing further and further away from the joy and happiness we both want and need. You will see and find what it is u need in another someday sooner or later. Everyone needs the actual touch of anothers soul eventually. You me everyone. So again I'm here, alone and pondering. What is it that I truely want. Truely need. How is my life to progress. Where, with whom .... I'm in to deep, ever so slowly struggling towards something but just what that might be still maddenly eludes me. Maybe I already know but am fighting vehemently against it's acknowledgement. I started out this morning mushy and still am to some degree but deep within this lonliness is a saddness that is profoundly paralyzing and upsetting. How long should I let this keep going. I know the end result, we both do. How long do I want to let myself be in a place that I know will ultimately hurt or maybe even destroy me. I love what we have, I love the fantasy of being in love. I love the gifts you give me and keep giving me. I don't want to loose those. But this distance, these miles and miles of space, isn't going to go anywhere real. It's a constant, this distance, that prevents us from touching. A distance that really will keep growing further and further away from the joy and happiness we both want and need. You will see and find what it is that you need in another woman someday sooner or later. Everyone needs the actual touch of anothers soul eventually. You me everyone. So again I'm here, alone and pondering. What is it that I truely want. Truely need. How is my life to progress. Where, with whom .... I'm deep so fucking deep in thought today. I don't want to think anymore today. I want to be somewhere else, doing something anything anywhere but here. Oh fuck where is destiny taking me. I need a sign. I need something to grasp onto or at least touch.....FUCK it all and FUCK me for being here....so so sorry babe, really sorry....
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