Shit I'm not behaving so good

Another weekend is closing and I'm just as screwy as usual...Don't like this feeling and don't think much of my demanding wants and desires. I actually got out this afternoon for a bunch of hours and I really felt good actually interacting with other like minded individuals within my community. It was a get together of Lesbian and Gays interrested in volunteering their time for the Pride Day Festival comming in June. An older very involved gay couple have pretty much organized this event over the last number of years and all previous volunteers have either moved away or just don't want to be that involved anymore. I had just moved to this community the previous year and was looking to discover what LGBT Community existed and to meet like minded people with hopes of befriending a few new people. I volunteered my time on the day of the event and really enjoyed myself. Didn't really meet anyone single but still had a lot of laughs and listened to a wonderful singer. Well today I actually remet a person that I'd talked with last year who is also now volunteering and she's really nice and energetic. Probably closer in age but deffinitely quit a bit younger. I hope over time a friendship can be discovered. But, being out like that often has a somewhat negative influence on me in that it really rainses just how lonely I am when I get back home. My lady love has had to listen to this more than she should have. I'm not being very nice to her and am being overly sensitive to things she says to try to cheer me up. I just sent her a video, somewhat erotic, and told her it's what I dream of having with her but knowing that dept of intimacy and love just can happen with us. I'm pissed, I'm cranky and I really really want to be able to express my love in the most natural and wonderful way possible. We have a very wonderful and beautiful fantasy live together and for it I'm very grateful but when these kinds of feelings hit me, an so much lately because I'm learning about physical love and how to express it, I just so fucking want it and want it badly. I ached, I can't fully please myself although she has taught so much more than I ever knew....I'm just angry with myself. Angry with the way I am treating her. She is not to blame for anything. It's all me. Maybe I'm acting like the frustrated young male who can't control his urges and wants and needs. I'm just the elder female immature inexperienced lady that wants what she learned NOW,,, no later but right fucking now. Shit god damned it all to hell.....I'm so sexually frustrated I want to just blow up.....FUCK FUCK FUCK