Wildness Continues

'The first of my trying to explain and understand all of the crazyiness that's been happening to me and my friend was posted. I still  absolutely have no idea of why or how all this wierd, wonderful and scrary shit  is going on with and around my life over the last week to 10 days or so. It's is beyond all comprehension to me and continues to keep moving forward at such a pace that my mind is getting blown out continuely. My emotions are greatly high and dangerouly low a the drop of a pin. Phsically I have been experiencing such wonderful pleasures that are beyond my wildest dreams and are making me want more of that which I'm so so craving. My addiction prone body and mind are trying to warn me from this powerful oh so powerful dug that is my friend to be cautious, to stay safe, to run away but I can't. I don't want to. I need her in every which way I can get her....God damnit she's so hypnotic. She's so under my skin and in my mind. I'm not ready to leave her. I can't live without her not being, in some small way, being a part of my life...Yesterday a series of events were happening to her that were nothing short of miraculous and fantastic. Enthusiasim and joy were just pouring out of her and it was most certainly infectious. She was making me a part of the incredible journey and I was bathing in her glory. However, little nagging doubts began to invade my happiness. These doubts or feelings kept creeping in and kept getting louder and louder. I began to feel some insidious pangs of jealousy of her joy. Why was everything happening in such a wonderful abundant way for her. Why so fast. Why were things that big and wonderful not happening for me. This type of thinking I was experiencing is and can be extremely toxic. I started whinning to her, started to be curt and snappy. I was sinking fast and I began to realized what was happening. I began to see these signs for what they were really trying to show or tell me. I allow myself some deep thinking time away from distractions, mainly from her, and began formulating a clearer understanding of what was really going on with me. My friend and I connected much later last night. I started pouring out to her everything. I was really digging deep and whatever  came to mind came out to her. She took it in and kept prodding and poking me with qustions and making me really clarify whatever she wasn't either not comprehending or wasn't believing. We have a real give and take relationship. There is total understanding and a deep trust between us that enables me to express to my love for her, deep and profound as I feel it to be and hers for me but not in a romantic way. I was finally able to put words to my fears of losing her. That her life was becoming rapidly to a place of such peace and growth that she would eventually not need me anymore. Friends always but others would replace the void I'd been fulfilling for her for so many months now. This scared me deeply. This I've had to deal with before many times and I was afraid. Earlier I did not see any of this. Only by the process of analysing, discussing, being pushed to the limit with qustions and not succuming to to falling apart was I able to turn this whopping huge negative into the possitive I needed it to become.
These episodes, though not at all pleasant, have been happening more and more frequently but so long as I'm able to follow this process which seemly works for me and not against me I just know I will and can survive. As long as I keep my beliefs and my will to live and stay alive I know my life will continue to grow and flourish. And that my faithful friends is what it's all about....KEEP THE SPARK FOR LIFE TO ALWAYS BE THERE FOR ME, FOR YOU.......