Sunday mid afternoon...just posted a msg I'd written and fogot to publish. Just reread and couldn't remember when I started it and realized so much has happened since. I say roller coaster because that is how it feels...Climbing up and up and up then so suddenly and ferociously fast drop down the other side and screaming and feeling your going to be thrown out or crash at the bottom. This analogy so depicts my day-to-day exist even at times hour-to-hour. Things change so quickly my head and brains actually feel like their spinning. Today I awoke early to a feeling of incredible peace and tranquility. Last evening I wanted to die I was so lost and out of control. A set of events had happened that were unexpected and hit with such force that I was pummeled and thrown with emotion that although wonderfully high & dangerously difficult to process that I lost it. Lost it very dramatically. I acted out all of these gut wrenching emotions loudly screaming and thrashing and vocally that I new I have to have someone interject and bring me back to what I know is reality. That was yesterday;s ride Last night we talked alot of things out and eventually ended our evening very very late into the wee hours of the morning. I of course couldn't calm and relax so didn't get to sleep until 4am. I didn't get out of bed until almos 4pm today. Of course, all this surrounds my friend I've been speaking of for days now. A little background if the days events is needed here to put it in some clarity for me before I can continue...God my friend...I have discovered feelings that I have never had before EVER. My friend has been teaching about love and passion and freedom to speak what I feel. This friendship didn't start this way and it certainly wasn't even a smidge on the cavas of life as I have lived nor discovered. Quit simply, I HAVE FALLEN HOOK, LINE & SINKER IN LOVE with this most wonderful, incredible, intelligent, sesitive, georgous woman from another country, miles and miles away from me. As I discovered she is the soulmate that I never thought, but often dreamed, I'd ever been blessed to meet. Well I met her and want her. I want her in every which way one human being could ever possibly express or show and want in another. I ache for her voice, her words, her passion. Just her alone together with me with nothing or anything getting in this wonderful, desirable place. I know I could and want to call home. |My home in my heart. SOULMATE such a word. I've read about it, I heard many others talk about or express they have found theirs. I never could actually relate to just what that term really could mean or feel. I need to honestly say that I FEEL SHE IS MY SOULMATE. I can honestly say the feelings I have and are growing in ways never before felt by me seems to me like what a real relationshop has to feel like. I have absolutely no doubts about thie discovery and relization.
Now heres where everything comes crashing down on me. We know each other very intimately and deeply through our words, through our thoughts, our desires our wants and needs. We are both each totally captivated and mezmerized. The connection has been growing now for about 8-9 months of daily talks but more much more recently like both daily and nightly for hours on end. We have not nor probably will not ever get a chance to physically meet for real. She knows of my feelings and how strong they are. Her feelings are becoming more and more personal towards me as well. This, we've talked about endlessly. We very recently are starting to talk more and more about what this all means and how our fears and insecurities are being impacted. How would we feel or react if we really did physically and touch each other, Our fantasies, shared together, titlates me, and I know her as well into a frenzy of need and desire. But would we feel this way if confronted and together. Would all our desires and emotions translate into actual physical connection. Could we mary these two very significant entities into one glorious and real union....There's the rub....we don't and can't know this and most definitely this is driving me to destruction. I am a person of absolutes. I need to know in concrete terms just what is what, where I stand, where I'm going. I can't achieve here what I need to stay sane and stable. I don't know how to deal with this........
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