March 10/13

Spring weather has to come soon. I have to get out into the world and do things outside of my goddamned head and apartment. I'm so flipping freaking out about stuff I have absolutely no control over nor want to control. I love but am loved back in a platonic way. I've been there before with others and it's hard. I'm so trying to create a safe cocoon and function within it. Thats hard to do and maintain. I know there are things that I've committed to doing but I'm desparately trying to run away from. Turn the other cheek on. My friend even captured my words this morning when she observed the sudden and drastic changes in my behaviors and words. She saw what I was doing even before I realized what I was doing. I'm trying for the umpteenth time to back away or out of going to  my therapist be of an assignment I'm to complete before our next session in a week. I'm feeling in limbo and lost and sorry for myself today. I don't want to  be in my own skin and mind which again makes me feel lost. I'm ok when I talk with my friend but once alone dtain pops open and the funnel begins to pull me down into this spin that if not stopped just keeps sucking me down. I'm OK just frustrated and upset with myself.

My friend and I a few days ago started on this hilarious expedition of her setting up a movie day  and asking me to attend via skype. We th,   little nugget of her idea turned quickly into a hilarious adventure of plans and free floating ideas and has now reached a level of epic proportion. We are calling it the first annual LEZBOFEST. It has become this living fluid fun fantasy expedition into absurdity really. I have to come up with were this festival will take place, who to invite, what celebrities should really promote it, create some type of 'feeling' we'd like to create for this festival like a loving or intemate feel or a fun or joyful feel all to take place next week. I think it's tuesday we r scheduled to do it. This year just she and I are attending but our thinking is global in nIture or at least North American. My friend is even so kind to set up a new blogg format for me to write about this so imaginary fastival. I love how the fluidity of these thougts are growing into something was originally just a nugget or seed of an idea to something wonderful and fun and growth of unimaginable proportion if we continue which we both really want to do. It is the type of adventure or fantasy that has such potential and excitement that I've jumped in head first and with such desire that I can't wait to discover where and how we go with it....

As for anything else I'll have to wait and see how the rest of this day pans out for me and what I end up doing. I'll be back later to fill in the blanks so to speak......well I've just returned to this as it's early evening now and it's still Lite out (7:30pm). My mood is so improving with the advancing spring season and eventual warn weather. Not warm yet but it's coming and I can't wait. Ended up have great conversation with my friend about our coming Lezzbofest. We r both so laughing and embelishing on the whole event and I am so excited about it all. Been a long time since I've been so captivated by something and my friend is liking how I'm coming out of myself. The winter was the first time she's seem how winter and darkness and cold so greatly affect and change the happy fun loving person I am durring the rest of the years seasons. We really only connected last spring and became really good friends late last summer. So she really got to understand me in a way that many haven't and she put up with my varying mood swings and depressive eppisodes and everything else about me. A friend of such honesty and compassion we all should have and experience. As I have said in the past and we talked about earlier today : She Gets me and I Get her. Not many friends can say that about themselves or each other. The universe brought us together and we have both learned so much life altering things that both our lives are leaps and bounds so far removed from the days before our paths were crossed. Amazing, so so amazing ..... deana you r one lucky broad, lesbian broad and you know it should never ever allow yourself to forget it....keep on forging through the forests deana because the universe is guiding you and you know it......love yourself before an others deana and you'll do just fine......