Wed.March 9/13

Well today started out good. Up, showered, fed and tidied up by 8:30am. That's very early and ambitious of me. I have a real hard time waking up and I hate it. But the upside of sleeping so late is that it makes the day shorter and is actually much more tolerable for me since I don't have much of a life. Enough of that that kind of talk deana. After having good conversation with my friend early this morning ended up falling asleep in my chair for an hour or so and getting very very stiff. After lunch I talked with my friend and kids and rec'd some great pictures of the home I owned and raised my kids in until I got sick and had to move out and away from my kids and separated from my husband officially. That was then and this is now. Being a non active gay woman I still can get myself very hung up and anxious. Having experienced love finally I was so spoiled because I have not lost any of my feelings and triggers for this person. However, today a situation came up that so totally caught me by surprise and off guard that I have now had to set some boundaries of my own. While totally into a fun and funny conversation with someone she began to change her clothes to get into more comfortable and casual clothing from buisness clothes. The problem I began to experience was that started to banter in a flirting way because this action of hers affected me much more than I let on. I began shamelessly flirting with her in a way I had promised I wouldn't. That was a boundry I swore I would not cross with her. Anyway when the call ended I realized how much more affected I was. I was feeling a bit down so started looking to watch something on youtube and found a long movie. I was into it when it became obvious that there was alot of forbidden love and erotisism and I was compelled to keep watching. Again I was arroused and attempted to do something about that but was once again very unsuccessful. This made me really think that this is something that I'm going to also have to get used to as well. While involved I'd learned to to things for my own gratification while emotionally involved with her and have not been able to since that emotional part of our relationship has ended. Finally, when sending my request to follow my new boundaries I mistakenly sent the request to my 17yr old son which I had to so appologize to him about and let my friend know what I had done. So a good day turned into a very frustrating and upsetting day but it was what it was and tomorrows another day right. I'm about to chat with my friend for a few minutes as that is all we can chat at this time of night....do deana things will get better and easier but right now, this minutes I'm still hurting but I'll feel better after a night of comatose sleep....until tomorrow then