March 19/13 Heavy day

Today was our LezboFest day and it got started around noon with a wonderful heavy Documentary about a love affair that lasted for over 40 years between two absolutely georgous highly intelligent women. I was totally captured by their love and passion for each other for so many many years. One of the women came down with MS when she was 45 or so and obviously had relapsing/Remitting type of desease as she lived with it well into her 80's. She eventually ended up with paralysis in her arms and legs and was wheelchair confined for many years but still managed to dance with her lover and eventual wife which was something that was so much of their early lives together. I found it fascinating to whatch but also very sad and was brought to tears because this couple managed to survive through out the years together and so loved and maintained a physical relationship that was good for both women. The just had to adjust how they did things together over time. I got upset because This is not whats happening with my life at all. I have found a person that I love unconditionally but will never have the life or connection that I want to have. We are so separated by masive distance and she is a brand new lesbian that is both beautiful and smart. She is also very friendly and has access to such a huge lesbian community. I know she will be pursued alot and she will meet others that she'll want to pursue herself. She is only in her mid 40's and looks alot younger than that as well. I'm not stupid and know the odds. However she tries so hard to help me be possitive but that's so hard to be as I'm getting a little long in the tooth and live in any area of few lesbians and no place to meet and greet woman. Anyway I was talking how this documentary really affected me and then we watched several other movies that kept me a little of kilter. I've watch many lesbian shorts and movies but I have never watched them with another woman. So again I was a little uncomforatable with this as well. I've really be excited about spending a day with my friend but never once fathomed that I was going to be affected in this way. I'm disappointed in myself about this and found it next to impossible to explain to explain. I got really bitchy when talking after the movies ended and really am disapointed with how I was treating her....So, I don't know how to correct these feelings or how to properly convey to her all that I've been feeling. I so know that if I try to talk about my love for her and my wants and needs she's not going to be too happy with me. She is in her space that she can handle and we both know that that is not the space that I'm in or want to stay in. It's so fucking a lose lose situation instead of a win win that I want it to be. FUCK....I'm going to ask her to read this since she reads all my blog msg's. That is all that I can do.....