14/13 Sunday Nite

Well it's Sunday early evening and I am a little upset. This is not an abnormal state of mind for me because I constantly allow other peoples actions affect me so. The weather was beautiful today and was even a little warmer which wasn't really expected. I'd hoped to have some sort of good skype discussion whith a friend but she wasn't available as she had mentioned she would be last nite. She did finally contact me around 5pm but could only talk for a couple of minutes as she was almost home and can't talk from there when her husband and child are there. Maybe there might be some time tonight but I have to wait around until much later and only after her child and husband have gone to bed. I know I need to make some concrete decisions here and have tried and tried to pull myself away but I keep failing at that because I really like her as my friend, Even more than that but that's all I'm allowed Why am I so scared to do this. Why can't I be stronger? I know why, it's because I'm so fucking lonely and starved for affection that I'll take it any way I can get it and that is just so damned pathetic. I have no friends only friends on the perrifery of my life. I've only met a few lesbians but no single woman. The better weather is fast approaching now but I'm just not sure of what I wand to do or will do. I'm very excited about my Journeying into Spirituality but need to find someone to help me on this path. I just don't know how to deal with this latest setback into feeling a little depressed and vulnerable....I'll just have to try to stay focused on what I should be doing and keep forcing myself to to just do it....I'll see what tomorrow brings and try not to talk myself into a state tonight...