April 25/13 Things are a happening....

First time I actually looked forward to my Counsellor session this morning. Not once this past week did I even think about cancelling it as I had for all the precvious ones. We are dealing with some significant stuff and and identifying why I have done things the way I always did in the past. I a confident friendly compassionate woman and in those areas I've always done OK but when it comes to emotional and or physical stuff I automatically need constant validation of my and the others commitment to the relationship. I sabotage all releationships I've had in the past even ones with friends I love dearly. She is helping me see what I'm doing and to understand why I'm doing it. My sessions will be coming to an end soon but She agrees that we are making really good progress and that I'm listening and learning and doing things in a much better way than when we first started together. It really makes a huge difference when you like your councellor. I like her because she understands where I'm coming from and I felt very comportable with her right from the start. Believe me when I say I've experieced many different types of councellorsl over the years and many had their own agendas going on and either we didn't click or the hurt me badly with their approach and how the told to do things that I knew I would or could never ever do. So bottom line, this one is GOOD. I wish I could just go and talk with her every 3 or 4 week for an hour session just to be able to feel safe and secure with expressing myself in a way that is comfortable. Anyways, that's not how things work when the government pays so I'll just accept that and go with the flow. As for my great and wonderful friendship with a woman I'm very close to via Facebook and Skype I done it again. I got vocal with some things and was pushing her to make more time for me. As usual, I got upset and did my best to make her do something and when she couldn't I told her I would not contact her and stay out of her life until she decided she could find some time to talk. So I don't expect to hear from her for a while, weeks maybe, because her life has become caotic with a new job and many other issues that need her attention. I understand this but I let my wants dictate my behaviour towards her. I'm ashamed of myself and regret causing her unwarrented pain. I am forcing myselt to stay true to my word and let her contact me when she has some time whenever that might be. I'm doing surprisingly OK with this desicion. This time around I'm feeling good, the weather is getting much better, I'm out on my scooter away from the looming 4 walls of my Apartment so life is pretty OK today. Also, the knowledge of seeing my 3 kids in 7 weeks is exciting me to no end. So, all in all, I have alot to look forward to and to keep me happy. Its the start of yet again another weekend, which I really don't like but will make the best of it. So deana just keep as busy as you need and keep smiling and visit your mom and dad. Enjoy and stay possitive and you'll not only survive but will thrive. I believe this, so you deana believe this too.......Caio for now......