May 10/13 - Major decisions made, just hope I can see them through !!!

I'm drowning in my depression. Spent a long time this morning with a Crisis Worker back up at the Hospital. Lots of tears and anxiety but I've finally made some decisions that I have to enact in order to try and get control again and climb out of the pit I'm in. I have decided, very painfully so, to cut all ties to my American Friend. I've been fighting this decision for months and I have sunk into this depression because of my continual refusal to walk away. I have requested she find the time to meet me face-to-face so I can explain everything and essentially drop her from my site. The depth to which I'd fallen last night scared so bad. As I've said suicidal thoughts were not too far from my conciousness. I've been in that bad a place in my mind years ago and even attempted it but I can't ever go there ever ever again. I need to take the road to help myself come through this and I need to do it now. I don't want to and I know I'm facing many many more tears and fears but I have have nothing left but to do this. I've requested she find the time to meet me face to face via skype to let me say some things I need to say before saying my final goodbye. I have to get rid of all things I've collected over the year that either she sent me or I collected. I have to get rid of phone numbers, address, her picture and several other things. I can't leave anything to chance because the first number of weeks I will crumble and contact her....my sanity and survival depends on me doing this. I am giving up on what has been a friend like no other I've ever had. I have shared all of my depest darkest parts of my existance. I felt needed by her but no longer do. I feel disconnected from her and her life and I've felt being abandoned even though this has never ever been her intention. It's how I feel and I've not been able to adjust to the life she is now leading which is so full of beautiful promise for her. I'm not angry or upset with her. I'm angry and upset with me and how this whole thing has affected me. So I hope she makes contact with me soon so I can bring some form of closure and begin to move ahead with my life whatever my life will become....with this I hope to be able to continue with my blog because I need this medium to help deal, at times, hour to hour and to keep a record of how I've felt and done every day...I use this format as something like self therapy and for the most part it has help me deal with whatever comes along that I must deal with....Today I'm grateful for the help I'm getting with the problems that I'm going throu.......