May 9/13 26th Anniversary but separated for a decade

I tend to get reflective of my past as the years go by on This particular day. It was an exciting time in my life as I stood before my family and friends pledging my love for a beautiful man. I was in love with Paul and truely believed that this marriage was right and proper. But a very deep troubling thought quickly passed through my conscious thinking as I raced down the aisle practically pulling my father along beside me. This thought as fleeting and somewhat vague but I also knew what it was but pushed it far far down inside of me. I thought 'Why am I here, why am I doing what I'm doing, why do I know something is wrong with this' but by the time I reached Paul and the minister I was back in my reality and marrying a man that I loved. Those fleeting thoughts came back to me as the years went by with a clarity that took illness to make me voice what I subconciously knew but could not conciously realize. I am and probably always was gay. Everything in my past had red or rainbow flags pointing to this. I loved and still love Paul and will probably always love him for the rest of my life. I just can't love him in that intimate personal way. He was and still is may my most cherrished friend. We are both in our mid 50's and he litterally raised our children alone to be wonderful compassionate caring young addults. Yes, I was intimately involved with my children but because I was so sick for so very long I could not be the parent that Paul could be for them. It was a rough time but as the years have passed we have all survived and flourished to various degrees. So there is alot I am grateful for. However as my day progressed my depression took control of my head and suiciday thoughts began to invade me. I have learned over the years how to reach out for help when this begins to take over so I spent the last 6 hours at my hospital in search of help. I was able to stop these thoughts for now and will be going back to the hospital tomorrow to talk with a crisis counselor and keep trying to get myself back on track...I am so grateful for the people in the medical profession dedicated to helping sick people like myself because with out them I know I would have died many years ago and missed out on all the wonderful things and people that are in my life.........stay safe deana and we hope that sunny days come back to you real soon....keep focus on that light so dim right now but will one day again be bright and beautiful.....