May 8/13 Feeling better but still deep within the Woods

So far so good today. Last nights breakdown was painful and very upsetting to several people but with the incredible support and assistance from a couple of living loving caring angels I was brought back to the surface and gained back alot of control of myself . Thank God, the Universe and some very special people for this. I finally had a long sound sleep last night and got up shortly after 9 this morning. I'm experiencing some numbness in my right hand that has me a little concerned because it hasn't changed or gone away since and it is now 2:30pml so I'll keep an eye out about it. I've made a GP appointment but it's not for another week or so to discuss the pains in my right shoulder, Upper right arm and now the hand thing. I hope we can get it figured out and move on with whatever needs to be done if anything. So far I've only broken down once and the reason why kind of haunts me as I was not expecting it at all. For some reason I became very Horney when taking my shower a few hours ago and attempted to help myself while still showering. I have not felt this way for months so was quite intriqued with the situation. I tried and tried for release but could not achieve what I've only achieved a couple of times within my life. Of course those times only occured because of My american friend. But since our fantasies with each other ceased so long ago I've not wanted to nor attempted to try again until this morning. Since the shower didn't relieve me I towelled off and decided to continue with this in my bedroom but the more I tried with and without my vibrator I could not reach the level I wanted and needed. The more I tried the more I craved to have something happen ... I ended up being reduced to sudden convulsing tears all curled up on the floor. This alarmed me in the sense that what I knew had happened in my past and realizing now that even that doesn't seem to want to happen again no matter how badly I want it to. Once again I left feeling less than whole...a freak of nature with too many issues ... so here I am feeling better emotionally today but now I'm slammed & feeling a freak of nature....I'm feeling I need to leave here and head out to take a ride on my scooter...yesturday was a day of FUCK fuck fucks....today I'm feeling the same only adding SHIT Shit shit....will return later in the evening to finish Well it's now 9pm and the most beautiful sunset is spreading it's wings and has so captured my mind that I'm almost speachless. I love peaceful warm sunsets so much. Just wish I was sharing it's beauty with someone and not alone. But you know what, tonight I don't mind, it's alright. I am in a good place. I hope I can maintain this place so I can continue to heal and feel good again soon. I am determined and I know I will succeed. It just takes time. I am grateful for the evolving change within and for the many living angels in my life. The are miracles and healers and wonderful caring selfless people. I hope others who are in need are able to find these people and accept their gifts with grace and humility.....I love you my angels....