May 7/13 Full on depressive slide - I'm scared

I'm scared of where I'm headed. The crying spells are hitting me hard and frequently. I know what is causing this and I know I have to pull my boot straps up but today I can't. I'm losing control in public places which is something that I know is difficult for others to whitness. I don't want to whitness losing it either. I've cryed so much today that I've exhausteld myself. My sleeping is also being badly affected as I woke before 5am today and well before 7am yesterday. The situation with my friend in the US is the root cause and I will have to stop talking with her or I'm afraid what will happen if I don't. I'm not handling the changes that I must and I can't help imagining her and her girlfriend being intimate and sexlually involved. This is not OK for me to dwell on, it's dangerous and petty and selfish of me to even think I have any right to do this but I can't help myself. If I don't get a grip then I will be swallowed and spewed out visciously fucked up. My family now knows I'm hurting bad which will only cause them to worry about me more than they already do. You see, it's not just me affected by these depressive episodes. It affects everyone I'm associated with which makes me feel even worse than I already do. I don't see my crisis councellor until Friday and I don't know if she can help break me out of it's grip. I'm hoping she can but I don't have too much faith. I'm wanting to abandon my Spiritual quest which I've been so excited about and just fucking tear everything out. I hurt, I acke physically and emotionally, I want to scream, I wish Kris never entered my life, I wish I'd never experienced truely hnderful lovel Damnit all to HELL.I wish I could just go to sleep and not have to feel anymore.Just pounding out these words has brought me to a flow of tears that just won't quit.....I HATE DEPRESSION, I HATE EVERYTHING ... FUCK FUCK FUCK EVERYTHING !!!!!!! Sorry, there's no graditude for anything right now..... 10:15pm I spoke too soon. I said I had no gratitudes for today but boy was I wrong. So very very wrong. I am very grateful to first Kelsey as she knew I was hurting badly and skyped with me this evening to ensure I was OK she is so wonderful to me and we talked alot about what we'll be doing once I get home a month from now. I am also grateful for Kris. She quickly realized how bad I was this evening and even though she is exhausted she left her home and skyped me from her car. I really really broke down and cried and cried myself hoarse. She listened, kept reasuring me and was very affected and upset as well.We talked, I cryed and told her of this blog tonight but as time passed she managed to calm me down as she has done so many many times before. I was able to reasure her of how I would keep myself safe tonight and I promised her I would connect up with Kelsey right after we disconnected. So yes, I am very grateful for the many people in my life.....tomorrows another day deana so heres hoping it's better than today.....